❧❧❧ Whatever you can do or dream, you can BEGIN IT. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Goethe ❧❧❧
❧❧❧ You were born whole, not broken. Sandra Hammel ❧❧❧
Do you have one person in your life that the bond would be unbelievable, if it wasn't actually happening to you?I do.I didn't look for this bond where I found it.I always wanted this bond to happen with one other person and expected or hoped it would happen in an intimate relationship.But that is not where it showed up.
The bond is organic, in that it is natural and just is.That doesn't mean that it has only been warm feelings, peaceful and always smooth. None of those things are true.Trying to understand his emotional pain, heartfelt best intentions to always be what I needed to be for this person, times of being on the receiving end of hurtful words are true. Importantly, the hurtful words are not definitive of who he is.He owns his mistakes.And this is a new experience for me. I feel heard when expressing my feelings.I have not witnessed this truthful and complete endeavor in others to be the best that they are in all parts of their life.More specifically, the introspection that he uses to be his best self, I have not seen before. Especially in the men I have known.
The connection is one that is deep in my soul.I believe it is reciprocal.It is a rich and complex relationship between two deeply-feeling and deeply-experiencing beings.I am so grateful to have this bond and to know the connection in the way that I do as a gift from this other spirit walking the earth at the same time that I am.
It is without pretense.There is genuine communication not only in a mortal way, but in a spiritual way.The sincerity he has is so healing for me to see in another human being.
Truthfulness is a hallmark of how we allow each other to be.It is stunning and beautiful and I am grateful.
Recently, each time I have brought a difficult conversation to him, he has shown himself to not only meet me fairly and with complete integrity, he has exceeded how I might have imaginedhim to show up and allow himself to be and allow me to see. The openness has been refreshing. As he has entered his young adult life and I have entered the autumn into winterseason of my life, he has shown glimpses of the most beautiful humanbeing I have ever known.We are now working through things with ourroles changing and I now can ask for things not possible when my role wasthe grown-up and he the, child.
We are approximately 40 years different in age.
He is my son.I didn'tgive him birth.But, if I had, we couldn't have been more connected with more of a bond.
December 28, 1997
Since my movie camera stopped working the day that he moved in, we went out and rented a movie camera to capture memories of the first Christmas together.
The post title's first half are words from the song used in the video, Angel from Montgomery and the second half is not only true, it is the title of Alice Miller's wonderful book, The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting.
Please, let me know if clicking the link above doesn't take you to the video at youtube for the poem Brave Truth
This youtube video was uploaded as "private". I have done this before and found my "private" video uploaded on a website. I am hoping this doesn't happen for this one. Edit: Feb 5, 2022: Temporarily, I made this video unlisted to make certain one young woman can see, as I share the link: https://youtu.be/jiLPuXYPZqs
I was starting to go through my computer, preparing to back-up everything for a major repair and found some things in the wrong place. One of the things that I found is this poem written July 27, 2008.
My life changed from the exchange that I refer to in this poem. It is then that a weight lifted and soon after I started blogging, I chose the name ilovemylife as a direct result of this exchange. I continue to process the experiences of a lifetime. Clarity and sense of ownership to my own perceptions have freed me and continue to move me in that direction.
My post Moments of real versus a lifetime of pretending speaks of Alice Miller's book, The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting. Another of her books is The Truth Shall Set You Free. Alice has written many books about the childhood trauma many of us have had and continue to be affected by throughout our lifetime. Her website: Alice Miller
The following is a letter from her website: readers mail
Dear Alice,
I stopped seeing my mother 7 years ago, because I always was afraid of having deadly illnesses after the weekly phone calls with her.
Because I couldn’t cope any longer with these fears, I decided I had to have a time out and I told her I didn’t want to have contact for some weeks. She was very angry and wanted an explanation. I told her that I had the feeling she never loved me. She was very angry: how could I say that she did not love me because she and my dad paid for my study, and when I was I child she could not sleep because I was afraid during the night and crying for her attention, and when I was very ill when I was a baby she was visiting doctors with me. She was so angry that she told me that she will advise every parent not to visit a doctor with a little child.
She told me that I had to apologize for saying that she didn’t love me; else she didn’t want to see me.
In the first 2 years my father was visiting me every 6 months and was asking me to apologize; that would be better for the whole family, my mother and him and my two sisters and the daughters of my sister. He stopped visiting me when it was clear to him that I was not going to apologize for something I was feeling.
I’m still seeing my sisters. We never talk about my parents, but I know that they do not understand my decision. “Because my parents are old people now, and they had their faults but now we are adults and have to cope with our problems ourselves”.
My two sisters are very close. They never contact me, I always contact them. The youngest has two little daughters and it’s nice seeing these little girls. That’s why I want to have contact with my sisters and also because I’m very afraid of not having family at all.
But the contact with my sisters is not satisfying, because the youngest sister is never ever interested in me, never asks me a question and is only talking to me about her life. The eldest sister makes me feel very bad; she tells me that a lot of things happened between her and me when we were children and that that’s the reason why our contact will never be good. I told her that the things that happened between us as little sisters is not because we were bad children but a result of the treatment of our parents.
Since I am not seeing my parents any more it’s going very well with me professionally and personally. The only problem that persists is that with friends it’s hard for me feeling comfortable; I’m often feeling overwhelmed by them and afraid that they don’t like seeing me anymore.
But with my sisters it’s not going better, even worse. It seems as if they are not interested in me and I always feel very bad after having contact with them. But I’m afraid stopping contacting my sisters, because then I am totally without family. And I’m thinking maybe it’s true, that I’m bad and that I have to try being a better person.
Last night I had a dream. In this dream first my youngest sister had informed my boss that I was a very bad person. My mother was laughing. I was afraid because my boss didn’t tell me but it was clear for me that she agreed with my sister (she changed in her communication to me). Then my other sister with a youth friend told me angrily :“that’s the same thing you did in “ city X””. I was totally in a shock, I haven’t ever heard of the name “city x”, and what I did wrong. I panicked, could not breath and awoke crying….
I’m afraid of not having family anymore, but I’m afraid as well that it is not healthy having this kind of relationship with my sisters and always have the feeling that they don’t like seeing and talking to me.
Seven years ago it was very hard for me to come to the conclusion that I had to stop seeing my mother. Now I’m very, very glad because I lost a lot of irrational fears. But now it’s even harder to know what to do in the contact with my sisters.
Thank you for your wonderful books and website!
End of the Reader's Mail letter on Alice Miller's website
There are more letters: Alice Miller Readers Mail
Click on the post title and it will take you to the amazon page to purchase the book. I get nothing for recommending this book. However, I recommend it. I find it very validating.
I choose the moments I have left to be moments without pretending.
When Death Comes
by Mary Oliver
When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measle-pox
when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.
When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
from the book Ten Poems to Last a Lifetime page 111-112
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I am reading the book The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller. And it is so helping me. It says things I have already learned, but find it so helpful to see in print the words. It validates and gives permission to really believe things that have so rung true in my search for living a life fully, free and unencumbered. I have colored the sentences that just made me pause and drink it in.
If you click on the post title, you will go to Alice Miller's website.
From chapter 10, The Body as Guardian of the Truth a story of Elizabeth from pages 121 - 123 ...But, as always I managed to ignore my own feelings and adjust to her mentality...All I had to do was to listen to my own body, because in all the encounters with my mother I was invariably afflicted with severe physical symptoms as soon as I started repressing my feelings. My body appears to be completely unerring in this respect, and my impression is that it knows my truth very well; better than my conscious self...
It would be nice if I could find someone who would let me be as I am, let me say all the things I would like to say, who would not force-feed me with moralistic homilies. This might help me intregrate my painful memories....I am closer to my own feelings than I have ever been before. I can express them...Since I started doing that, my physical complaints and my depression have more or less disappeared.
...I haven't seen my mother once this year, and I do not feel the need to do so. The memories...protect me from any illusions I might have and also from expectations, that she might have something to give me that I missed out on so much as a child. Even though I still miss it from time to time, I now know exactly where there is absolutely no point in looking for it. ...I feel no hatred in me. I do not need to hate my mother because I am no longer emotionally dependent on her.
...failed to understand that. She wanted to free me of my hatred and did not realize that she was unintentionally thrusting me into that hate, which was an expression of my dependency, a dependency she would have created all over again...Today, I no longer need to suffer from pretending that I have feelings for my mother. I don't. That is why there is no hatred left inside me.
And this part I was really grateful to read: It does not matter so much whether we have to break off all contact with our parents or not. The process of separation, the path from childhood to adulthood, takes place inside us. Sometimes breaking off all contact is the only way in which we can live up to our own needs.
Form Chapter 11 ~ Can I Say It? page 127 I can well remember the fears that haunted me when I was writing Thou Shalt Not Be Aware. ...I knew quite definitely that I had chanced on an unwritten law, the devastating exploitation of children for the retaliatory needs of their parents and the taboo placed on that reality by society. We shall not be aware.
Did I not risk incurring the severest of penalties if I insisted on breaking that taboo? But my fear also helped me to understand a lot of things...
p 132 -133 ...When their parents lie dying, they desperately hope to feel, at the very last moment, the acceptance and confirmation that they never felt in the presence of their parents throughout their whole lives. Dagnmar writes: Every time I talk to my mother I feel a poison flowing into my body and forming an ulcer there. I try not to see it like that, because seeing it like that gives me guilt feelings. Then the ulcer starts to suppurate, and every time I lapse into depression. I try to admit my true feelings and tell myself I have the right to feel them, to see the intensity of my anger. When I admit my feelings,although they are not always good feelings, I start to breathe again. I start allowing myself to stay with my true feelings. If I succeed in that, I feel better, more alive, and my depression disappears.
...But, how can I respect myself if I don't take my true feelings seriously? If I don't do that, I don't know who I am, I don't know who I'm supposed to be respecting.
Dad and Me in Indiana many years ago. I found this picture, as I am going through boxes of old photos. A lot of fun. I really like this picture, though the color is poor.
Included in this post * Rafa Update * Personal things * Heath Ledger ~ My Latest Video
Rafa lost to Robin Soderling today in London 4-6, 4-6
Rafa vs. Nikolay Davydenko Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Rafael Nadal of Spain returns the ball during the men's singles first round match against Robin Soderling of Sweden during the Barclays ATP World Tour Finals at the O2 Arena on November 23, 2009 in London, England.
Photo credit: Julian Finney/Getty Images Europe
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TODAY I was doing the wash, making the bed up, and a few other things interspersed between walks to the laundry room. I almost always have the television or music on. Often, playing is a Heath Ledger dvd. I don't sit down to watch hardly ever. It is just energy that makes me feel good. Today, I was able to have the Bonnie Hunt talk show on. I miss it a lot because the time it airs is 2:00 p.m. - not a time that falls at a good time. Bonnie has great positive energy, so it is always a pleasure to have that energy radiating out while doing whatever I'm doing.
There was a segment with Troy Dunn (The Locator television show). I have never seen the show and couldn't tell you if I have access to it. He reunites lost loved ones and family members. (You can watch the segment here)
Well, there are rare times, that I cannot go on, I just have to stop everything and what is on the television pulls me in so deeply that I move in and stand 2 feet from the screen or sit down to absorb it all.
This was one of those.
First, I had been having an internal dialogue with myself about my mother and my family members and how I feel about them. Having to emancipate myself from them because of the negative effects that they have on me, isn't a welcome result, but a necessary one for me. I find myself depressed for days after a phone call with the only one that I still have any communication with.
I am just a wonderfully happy person. I feel so glorious most every minute. But a thought of my family and it is like the sun goes away. And yet, ask one of them, and it pretty much would be all my fault that they affect me this way. We don't choose our feelings. Feelings just are.
I used to get a skin rash, that the doctor always said was from nervousness. My family lives in Indiana and I live in Rhode Island. Years ago, when I would go home on a yearly or bi-yearly basis and stay with my parents, I would get this rash. My mother would make comments to me that I got the rash when I went home to make her feel bad. I mean, it is laughable, if it weren't so hurtful.
My mother and daughter relationship is non-existent. We don't relate. We have little in common and no one in my family cares what is going on in my life. When we talk, it is never about me. I never realized this for most of my life, but now that I recognize this narcsissitic behavior, I can accept better the people in my family. I am not trying anymore to get their approval and affection. At least, I see them for what they are and that helps me.
I think it is a reflection of who you are when you see the character of the people who do gravitate toward you. I always noticed this when I was a teacher ~ the parents who appreciated my teaching and my qualities as a person and those who were critical of me. The people that criticized me were the most unhappy people and simply critical people, in the first place. The people who praised my teaching were usually sensitive, thoughtful, generous and many times hard-to-please parents because their standards were so high.
So, I try to understand the world from this view of being from a family where I am not only the outcast by appointment by them, but not knowing where I could have possibly come from. No one in my family likes the things I like ~ all of the arts, music, theatre, dance, art-art, social justice. I am the only Democrat in a Republican family. The region that I am from in Indiana ~ although the state went for Obama in the electoral college last November ~ my area where I grew up, voted for McCain and Palin. I would have had to consider leaving the country, if they had won. Eight years of G W Bush was more than I could bear and another four years with similar mentality would have made me want to leave the country.
So, my point is that I am a foreigner in my own family. I don't mind in some ways. I love who I am. I don't want to sound, well, in love with myself, but I so love my own company. I think I am a pretty neat person. So, my family can't be more important than me following my own destiny. I'll put up with their judgment that I am the awful person that they think I am. And I'll be me.
So, this segment today on Bonnie's show hit me deeply.
Three video clips were shown of a woman who had been a foster mother to a child many years ago for five years. They were reunited because they both wanted to be. They had shared five years together and this "outsider" was the only mother the young girl ever really "had".
Troy Dunn's mother was adopted and had a bad experience of the possible reuniting with her own mother, who said that if she ever knew that "it" was going to contact her in the future, she would have aborted "it".
Tony Dunn's mother works with her son in his work, which he says is the best job in the world.
I understand this bond that the foster mother and the foster daughter had. I have it with my son, that I met in a second grade music class that I was teaching. I had it since the day that I met him. It was magical. It was two soul mates of different generations. And I knew it in a deeply secure way.
He was in foster care. I love him more than anyone in the world. He is my son. He is the most special person that I have ever experienced. I never wanted children, but destiny had other plans for me and I accepted that.
He is the coolest. Yes, there were years of hell. But those are over. Now, it is just the best. The best, richest, thing I have ever done or known.
He is the most talented person I have ever seen. Talent abounds in him. And he doesn't take it for granted.
So, when I saw the way this foster mother felt for this foster child that was "ripped" from her life these many years later, I thought: here is a mother, who didn't bring this child into the world and yet she feels so deeply for this child that she wanted to be reunited. They were connected. They had the most beautiful thing a human being can have, a bond to another spirit, soul.
I was moved. To tears. I thought, "That is wonderful". How endearing, this quality of human beings. I am happy for them.
Today, I got a card from mother. She never calls. She never says anything in the cards. I couldn't handle opening it at the end of the day. I will open it in the daytime when I can afford to be more brave.
I have been going through my boxes of old pictures and letters, lately. Letters mostly from old boyfriends, but also from my dad.
Thankfully, I do feel close to my dad. Though not always was that true. But now I know why. It was my mother who was a barrier between dad and me.
He died May 10, 2007. But death does not end a relationship. Bitterness and meanness do, though.
Just a few of the posts that I have done about dad:
I don't know what is happening at youtube. But I have an issue about them approving of the two songs that I used in this video on my tested "Private" upload and then they give me a warning about copyright issues with UMG when I posted it as a "Public" video. I think this is completely wrong. The karaoke song shouldn't be an issue. And the Pointer Sisters song was tested about four times at Youtube, before I posted the public version of the video late last night. And youtube is featuring the video.
Something also is going on with Youtube and the country of Germany. It is more restrictive than the litigious USA. A shame because many people from Germany enjoy Youtube and now all of a sudden, videos that once they had access to, no longer is true.
MY SOAPBOX
I have spoken on this before. So I will not be too lengthy, but this is all backwards. These companies and perhaps the artists they represent need to take their heads out of the antiquity of copyright laws and think outside that old box. It isn't affective and it is working against them.
If they were smart, they would seize the day and use youtube for free promotion of their business endeavors. They obviously aren't smart. Karaoke is getting my business....I am buying up karaoke after karaoke versions of songs I want to use on Youtube simply because the artists who made the songs a hit won't allow us to utilize them on our humble little works on Youtube.
It confuses Youtube, I find. They sometimes claim the karaoke version has copyright issues. But they really think the recording is owned by UMG, Sony Music or WMG when indeed it is not.
They might as well shut down Youtube if we can't use the movies and music at all. How much do you think the per centage is on Youtube of videos that don't use movie clips and music recorded by someone other than ourselves? Pretty high, I believe.
They should be giving us incentives to use their music and movie clips. Not the other way around.
I was thinking the other day that if I had a movie just about to hit the theatres, I would offer Youtube posters a contest to enter to get an advanced viewing of the movie of their favorite actor and have them create a little tribute using clips from the movie. Choose a winner ~ all the while generating free press for their upcoming movie. And musicians could give us permission to use their music, newly released or old to use - in order to promote selling more of their music.
I notice now what companies are sponsoring a movie or music.
It does not create warm feelings. So all those ads they PAY for to promote their movies and music can have all the spit and polish of professional commercialism, but the public relations is suffering from this stupid, half-baked belief that they need to crack down on Youtube posters for using the movie clips and music.
Unintelligent. Bad business sense. And a waste of their money on PAID advertisement and for all their lawyers.
............................................................ DON'T POSTPONE JOY ~ CELEBRATING HEATH Uploaded by me ~ ilovemylifesblog
Help us get "The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus" in our local theatres in the USA. It is our last chance to see Heath on screen in a new film. Don't let us be left out. Go to this link to Demand It!
The text from my Youtube page's sidebar for this video:
In honor and with respect for the human being that Heath was and still is in our hearts.
We are visitors on this planet. We are here for ninety or one hundred years at the very most. During that period, we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other peoples happiness, You will find the true goal, the true meaning of life. H.H. the 14th Dalai Lama
SPECIAL NOTE: I tested these songs five times here at Youtube as private videos and each one of them passed and are MP4 downloadable for others . And this one - youtube told me immediately is blocked in some countries. Except, so far they haven't told me which one(s). If any it will be Germany. This is so sad, because I specifically tried my very best to buy music that would work in Germany. Let's hope the status will be worldwide. A previous blog post of mine about Heath: moving-aura-after-death-heath-ledger
(a portion of the article is below) Even as a teen-idol, he showed signs of being separate from the pack.
By Michael Ordoña ...."His energy and enthusiasm for life will never cease to inspire me," said Ledger's longtime friend and business partner Matt Amato. "A friend of mine said after Heath died that we must continue in Heath's 'gentle way.' Those words sounded perfect to me -- Heath's gentle way."
..."I was intimidated by how worldly wise he seemed to be and how much he understood himself," said Jason Isaacs, who played the sadistic Col. Tavington in "Patriot." "He took a house in the forest while we all lived together in a condo. Like many in my profession, I seem to need company and to fill the silence with noise; he didn't need that, and he was very happy in his house in the forest. I know 21-year-olds; I'd never met a 21-year-old like him."
In 2001's "Monster's Ball," he made an indelible impression in a brief appearance as a tough death-row guard's sensitive son. It was an understated, soulful turn in a supporting role -- hardly the stuff of a teen idol lusting for fame.
Daneil Day-Lewis SAG Awardt winning speech where he dedicated his SAG award to Heath, January 2008 - just five days after Heath left his mortal body.
When Heath asked me to collaborate on this video I found it more than just a good cause, I was incredibly happy to have that first experience of he and I sitting by a desk and giving life to something together. So far our previous collaborations were of a different nature (a big movie production and a lot of cooking at dinner parties) I was confident because, in my opinion, if someone can cook together, they can also make a movie.
The creation of an artwork is a process that people enjoy in different ways. For some it's painful, for others it's joyful, but it's always hard work. The first part of the creation for the "King Rat" video (two weeks of making the animatic with Heath) had been just a lot of fun and discovery. We were both new to this kind of work, and that's what kept us excited.
A few weeks before starting I made a sketch of a fishing whale character. Heath liked it, so I knew more or less what kind of style I should draw going forward. When I joined him in London, Terry Gilliam let us work in the conference room of his visual effects company (Peerless). It was luxury: we had a massive window overlooking Covent Garden, and Terry's creative vibrations in the air.
Terry would come to see the progress every once in a while and we were excited to hear his advice. This is why Heath decided to have the "Monty Python trumpets" popping down from the clouds, and also why I proposed to have Terry's face as "The Sun" in our video. We felt like school kids inspired by our favorite teacher.
......After Heath left us, I didn't have any intention of finishing the video without him. It was Sara Cline who had the idea of finishing it, so Heath's cause against whale hunting would find exposure. And we would all have the pleasure of seeing another one of his challenging works. I said yes with no hesitation.
The second stage of making the video, with lead animator Norris Houk and animator Jade Taglioli, was about bringing to life the still drawings from the animatic. My mind was still populated by all the information and details that Heath transmitted me during the London days. I knew exactly what he had in mind for the animation. For example, his description of the whales walking towards the bow of the boat, or dancing during the party, was very precise. We both had a whale dance in the office before starting to work on that sequence.
In fact, the main quality that would have made Heath a great director, in my opinion, was his ability to be contagious with his ideas, and to describe them in a very convincing way, with a lot of joy. Work has to be fun somehow, otherwise it's not worth it.
Jade and Norris did a remarkable job animating those shots for a month. My duty was to pass the message on, as precisely as possible.
My favourite memory on this video is very far from its shocking and distinctive taste. It's quite cheesy, actually: whilst we spent long days working on the animatic, listening endlessly to interrupted bits of Isaac's haunting and cavernous voice, there was another song being played constantly coming from outside the window.
It wasn't annoying us because its paradisiac nature was having a complementary effect on us. It was Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Every time I randomly hear that song, I think of how lucky I was to be over there for a few wonderful weeks.
At this post are three wonderful parts of an interview with Heath on December 2, 2007, just weeks before that January winter night that he passed away interview is uploaded by springrose147 This interview is precious and priceless. Heath is comfortable and relaxed in this interview.
A very small portion of this interview: like, what success is is, I mean the only time that I'm alive, and living and expressing and feeling, and, and relating is, is, is when I'm on set and that time between action and cut and so that's the only thing that's really important is how that experience is, and, and how that experience will affect my life and what I have to give from my life to that experience. And everything that happens after that is just irrelevant. Heath Ledger December 3, 2007
A MOVING AURA AFTER DEATH - HEATH LEDGER WAS A VESSEL FOR BEAUTY AND CREATIVITY
One of my other passions is to prevent and stop genocide ~ it will only stop with us. PRESIDENT OBAMA'S WORDS ~ A TEST ON HIMSELF ~ "If we care, the world will care ~ If we act, the world will follow" president-obama-words-A-test-on-himself
GENOCIDE IS NOT OKAY
USE YOUR VOICE TO CALL UPON OUR LEADERS TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS VERY WRONG
Much of the personal writing on this post has been removed. I know it is probably cached but I felt it may be a mistake to leave it here.
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I believe the deepest need we have is to feel connected. The best that I can do is to open up. I know there have to be others out there who are looking to connect and just haven't found the words, the understanding or someone to confide in their deepest feelings and tenderness.
Aside from looking at my own vulnerabilities, I have become interested in Heath Ledger recently. I have come late to the admiration of his work, but also I am trying to understand what is so connectable about him for me. The best parts of his movies' dvds are the special features and commentaries. I like those on A Knights Tale, The Four Feathers and Brokeback Mountain. He isn't fidgeting in the interviews of A Knights Tale and The Four Feathers, but calm and introspective. There is a wonderful segment just about him on the dvd of A Knights Tale. I used some of it in this video.
In Brokeback Mountain's dvd special feature - The Making of Brokeback Mountain - he says that he always likes to bare his soul a little bit...that it is theraputic.
It is apparent that when Heath was creating, he was most at home and comfortable. There had to be some internal struggle. The drugs, legal or not, didn't serve him well. What he could convey through the lens of a video camera came across as genuine and connected to my heart. Except for the joker in A Dark Knight and Ned Kelly. The humility, down-to-earth conversation, shyness and restlessness that came across in interviews couldn't help but show a side to Heath that showed him to be a mystery of complexity. I'll never understand Heath.
Without even going out of the door One can know the whole world. Lao Tzu
I like to write. When I write about my internal world of feelings, confusion and need for understanding ~ I find healing, clarity and comfort just by finding ways to express my rawness. What I have learned over the last couple of years is that finding truth in my personal life is hard. Hard because what I always believed about my most important contributor to my life was simply wrong. I am wrestling with the depth of the feelings and trying to integrate the revealed with what used to be my internal world. Just because I don’t want to believe that it was false ~ to have been operating with the assumption that I was unconditionally loved by the one who brought me into this world ~ doesn’t change the truth.
Just because someone says “I love you” ~ it doesn’t make it so.
I have come to believe that I can make it without the unconditional love of someone else.
I am not a victim. I choose to live in personal truth. There is nothing more important than truth. Unless it is justice. But justice needs truth.
I take comfort in knowing that what I am is someone I could spend my whole life with. I know how ridiculous that reads. But I love my own company. I love my sense of humor. I love my spirit for life. And I love the joy of being me. I love that I am not pretentious. At the end of all endings, none of us has anyone but who we are. And if you can like yourself and how you have treated others and how you have stood for truth and justice, then that is a pretty good place to be.
I have been going through the foundation of my life. This search has been amplified by the death of my dad May 10, 2007 and finding myself letting the grieving out. It has shaken my core but I haven’t found it discouraging, but a lighter load to carry.
My dad had a diagnosis of Alzheimers Disease, but he and I communicated to his last breath. To me, he had some memory problems, but his spirit was always in tact and very present. My dad had my forgiveness for all the past rage and leather strappings during my childhood because in the end I saw the man for whom he really was ~ gentle, compassionate, loving and tactful. My dad gave me the personification of integrity and being genuine. With me, he showed a sense of humor in his last year. I consider it a gift.
It has been holy work to figure out my family. I have been so moved by the sweetness of my dad. I am aware that the last time we were together was a spiritual experience not only between father and daughter, two human beings, but with Life itself in an all encompassing way. It was a religious experience for me.
What more could we possibly be than sweetness in another’s life?
My roots will be constantly reaching for my father’s fertile ground of strength, fortitude and joy of life. Plant your tree where the ground is best for you.
“We think of religious activity as directed toward God - instead of man.
We believe in someone divine rather than in ourselves.
Maybe we have turned religion inside-out.”
From the book Please Touch by Edwin M. McMahon and Peter A. Campbell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind.” William Wordsworth
If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly The bird sings, no one asks why. I can see in myself wings as I feel them If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself, I’ll fly free then.
Yesterday’s eyes see their colors fading away They see their sun turning to grey You can’t share in a dream, that you don’t believe in If you say that you see and pretend to be me You won’t be then.
How can you ask if I’m happy goin’ my way? You might as well ask a child at play! There’s no need to discuss or understand me I won’t ask of myself to become something else I’ll just be me!
If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly The bird sings, and no one asks her why. I can see in myself wings as I feel them If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself, I’ll fly free then.
Lyrics of If I Had Wings as sung by Peter, Paul and Mary
Last night I read a report about a boy of 7 years old that made me cry. The heaviness is so powerful that it takes over. The unprotected boy lived a life of hell. He has grown since and is living as one who lived a childhood of hell. He didn't escape the eternal and internal prison that could be expected of one who was immersed in a life of neglect, abuse and rejection. Children lost become all of our legacy.
This child was failed by his mother, his father, his extended family, his community and in the end by one state's foster system that made the wrong decision to place him back with his mother when it was the one place he should never return.
One state's jurisdiction had to be handed over to the adjacent state when the boy's mother moved over the state line at a critical time in his life. The boy's report's recommendation - after a long residence stay in a caring facility for the boy, that he not be returned to the mother - was overturned by the new state. It could not have been clearer in the report that this would be disastrous for the 7 year old.
We - as the larger community - fail our children when we don't search out the truth of these children's private lives and act accordingly. The thing about this boy is that enough of his truth was known and still he was not placed in a safe home. This boy's story will never be told. The honoring of confidentiality will protect those who made the wrong decisions. Light needs to be shed on the horrendous truth of the quiet lives of desperation that children live right here in the United States of America.
Hell is For Children Lyrics
They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears Forgive and forget, all the while Love and pain become one and the same In the eyes of a wounded child
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing They blacken your eyes, and then apologize You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy Tell grandma you fell off the swing
Because hell Hell is for children And you know that their little lives can become such a mess Hell Hell is for children And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, hell is for children
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................................................ Love Rescue Me - U2 Written by Bono and Bob Dylan Uploaded by Impulse032
You can adopt children who are waiting while in foster care: foster-adoption
In Rhode Island you may adopt a child if you are over 21 years of age. There is no upper age limit, and adoptive parents in their 40s and 50s are quite common. You do not need to own your own home and either single or married parents may adopt. Your sexual orientation doesn't matter in Rhode Island for adoption.
At 4:36 of the Youtube below, Odetta speaks from the words of the quote I have included here:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you, not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I love my son. I miss my son. This is for him… ........................................................ ........................................................ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUoEil40qZA
I Will Always Love You
My son was adopted when he was eleven years old. The connection that I have always felt for him is innate and undeniable. I want to be in his life. I am here. I hope that one day he will find me someone that is vital to him. I carry his heart in my heart.
Adopted children all have a journey that is a reaction to having been released or abandoned by their birth parents, especially their mothers.
I never wanted children. In sixth grade I told my mother this. It was a response to what I read in the Weekly Reader, a children’s type of newspaper. The world just didn’t seem a fair place to bring a child into. My son entered my life. Then he entered my heart. I answered LIFE by making the move to be his mother. It hurts so much to be held at a distance. But apparently I am where I am to be. I have done the best that I could, all things considered. I have no regrets.
Children By Khalil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Love By Khalil Gibran
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love." And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. Gibran's Works: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet.html
Khalil Gibran (1883-1895)was born on January 6, 1883, to the Maronite family of Gibran in Bsharri, a mountainous area in Northern Lebanon.Bio: http://leb.net/~mira/bio/1.html
It was a day in late October in the year of 1995. I met Mrs.D's second grade class in the hall as I did every class in order to do the symbolic hand-off of who's in charge for the up-coming music class. Mrs. D said "We have a new boy and he's from Boy's Town and . . ." Jon was born in August in the year of 1987. I became Jon's mentor in school and became friends with his foster family.
While lost on the way home from a church Halloween roller skating party, this song played on the car radio. The line in the song that says "just give me something that I can hold on to..." caught Jonathan's ear.
In the spring, Jon began piano lessons with me and he was allowed to do things outside of school with DCYF (Department of Children, Youth and Families) authorization. The next school year Jon was to get his "forever family" and left our school and community in the fall to live with his new family. I cried in my walk-in closet many times after Jon left.
This song "In This Life" meant a lot to me during this time. The video makes no sense for my purpose here, but the words do.
"Let the world stop turning. Let the sun stop burning. Let them tell me love's not worth going through. If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart the only dream that mattered had come true: In this life I was loved by you."
Early next spring, on March 7, 1997, I received a call from Jon's case worker that he was coming back to our school system and would be living with the same foster family that he had left before the adoption placement. On Christmas Day in 1997 at 4:00 p.m., Jon came to live with his new "forever family". On March 8, 1999 Jon was legally adopted. Today, March 8, Jon has been my son for eight years.
Jon is my only. I chose not to have children when I was very young because I didn't want to bring children into this problem-filled world. The journey with Jon has been touching, raw, painful, extremely tough and rewarding. I can with all honesty and sincerity say that he enriches my life. I know his journey will hold many levels of discovery. . . his life has so many layers. I am pleased and proud to be his mother. As a freshman at Northeastern University's Engineering School he received all A's except for one A- first semester. Jon is a hard-working and honest student.
This picture was taken at Spain tonight.
Tonight, I took Jon to my favorite restaurant, Spain, in Narragansett, Rhode Island. The conversation included his courses, his girl friend, a possible trip to Europe with her, his co-op/intern semester next spring, summer job plans, movies, where he stands on his beliefs, politics, homosexuality and what he thinks of my beliefs. In the end, we pretty much stand together on the issues.
Being a kid today is full of pitfalls. And for those kids that have parents who fall completely short of their responsibilities as parents, life is so demanding of resilience. I knew when I met Jon that if any kid could make it against all of the odds that were stacked against him - Jon could.
And he continues to prove that right. I am so grateful to be a part of his life and play my part for his goodness and for my growth.
I love my life. It hasn't been a life at the beach with Jon, but now I can and will say, it has proven that my strong sense of natural connection with Jon in the beginning was right and still holds true. I listened to my heart in 1995 and now in 2007, I am all the more richer in my heart.
Love, Mom
>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>: Dedicated to my son >:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:
A-ah...let's hear Amanda Marshall in another version of "I Believe in You"
I love my life. I love where I live. And I am passionate about my passions. I love to dance. Necessary to live: music, piano, singing, writing, acting, painting.
I have been fighting for and supporting the arts all my adult life. Since 2004, I have been working with other activists to end the Darfur genocide.
I have traveled to Europe many times since my early twenties. Places I have been: many USA states including Hawaii, Montreal, Canada, Barbados, France, Spain, Luxembourg, England, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Greece and Germany - and have wonderful memories.
My last trip was in May - June 2013 to Spain.
I would like to travel to Europe and Kyoto, Japan.
I love the southwest where I have visited Hopi, Navajo, Zia and San Idlefonso potters.
Life is exciting and I intend to live it full-out to the end.
B.S. and M.M., both in music
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Khartoum, Sudan Stop Genocide Time
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Spain Time
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Melbourne Time
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Hawaii Time
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RAFA NADAL -BRING BACK LONG PANTS - SLEEVELESS TOPS
Double Click on Videos to Enlarge
Darfur - The Abandoned Genocide - a video by Sandra Hammel
Want to help? Call 1~800~GENOCIDE
"May I Suggest" by Susan Werner
Satchita - Playing for Change
Stand By Me ~ Playing for Change
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Genocide is not only a word,
it is crying of the whole human race.
There is nothing redeeming about being silent
when speaking up is the humane thing to do.
The honor and integrity of the human race is at stake.
