MY INTERNAL WORLD OF GRACE

Without even going out of the door
One can know the whole world.
Lao Tzu

I like to write. When I write about my internal world of feelings, confusion and need for understanding ~ I find healing, clarity and comfort just by finding ways to express my rawness. What I have learned over the last couple of years is that finding truth in my personal life is hard. Hard because what I always believed about my most important contributor to my life was simply wrong. I am wrestling with the depth of the feelings and trying to integrate the revealed with what used to be my internal world. Just because I don’t want to believe that it was false ~ to have been operating with the assumption that I was unconditionally loved by the one who brought me into this world ~ doesn’t change the truth.

Just because someone says “I love you” ~ it doesn’t make it so.

I have come to believe that I can make it without the unconditional love of someone else.

I am not a victim. I choose to live in personal truth. There is nothing more important than truth. Unless it is justice. But justice needs truth.

I take comfort in knowing that what I am is someone I could spend my whole life with. I know how ridiculous that reads. But I love my own company. I love my sense of humor. I love my spirit for life. And I love the joy of being me. I love that I am not pretentious. At the end of all endings, none of us has anyone but who we are. And if you can like yourself and how you have treated others and how you have stood for truth and justice, then that is a pretty good place to be.

I have been going through the foundation of my life. This search has been amplified by the death of my dad May 10, 2007 and finding myself letting the grieving out. It has shaken my core but I haven’t found it discouraging, but a lighter load to carry.

My dad had a diagnosis of Alzheimers Disease, but he and I communicated to his last breath. To me, he had some memory problems, but his spirit was always in tact and very present. My dad had my forgiveness for all the past rage and leather strappings during my childhood because in the end I saw the man for whom he really was ~ gentle, compassionate, loving and tactful. My dad gave me the personification of integrity and being genuine. With me, he showed a sense of humor in his last year. I consider it a gift.

It has been holy work to figure out my family. I have been so moved by the sweetness of my dad. I am aware that the last time we were together was a spiritual experience not only between father and daughter, two human beings, but with Life itself in an all encompassing way. It was a religious experience for me.

What more could we possibly be than sweetness in another’s life?

My roots will be constantly reaching for my father’s fertile ground of strength, fortitude and joy of life. Plant your tree where the ground is best for you.

“We think of religious activity
as directed toward God
- instead of man.

We believe in someone divine
rather than in ourselves.

Maybe we have turned religion
inside-out.”

From the book Please Touch by Edwin M. McMahon and Peter A. Campbell

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“What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.”
William Wordsworth

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The Rose sung by Bette Midler
Uploaded by DarkLady77

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, no one asks why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

Yesterday’s eyes see their colors fading away
They see their sun turning to grey
You can’t share in a dream, that you don’t believe in
If you say that you see and pretend to be me
You won’t be then.

How can you ask if I’m happy goin’ my way?
You might as well ask a child at play!
There’s no need to discuss or understand me
I won’t ask of myself to become something else
I’ll just be me!

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, and no one asks her why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I’ll fly free then.

Lyrics of If I Had Wings as sung by Peter, Paul and Mary