MY SON

I haven't written very much here about my son. He is currently in his final year at an university in Boston and is graduating with two degrees in engineering, a Bachelors and a Masters.

Last night he came over for some conversation, a meal and to watch a movie. We watched The Last Station. And he liked it. I had already seen it a couple of times. He mentioned that he had gotten in touch with Cynthia Auckerman, a journalist whom we had met back in 2005. By searching the internet, he finally was able to read articles written about him by her. This is one of the articles that she wrote after meeting us on our trip back to his childhood...

Child abuse: a personal view

By CYNTHIA AUKERMAN

Published: Sunday, January 2, 2005 8:18 PM EST

www.winchesternewsgazette.com

News-Gazette reporter

On the evening of Aug. 12, 1991, four-year-old Jonathan raced to the site where his brother had been struck by a vehicle. Jeremy was lying stomach down, but his head was facing upwards, twisted in a grotesque way.

One young life that had been lived in chaos was over, but Jonathan's life was about to get even worse.

Jonathan lived in several locations, including Union City. Now adopted and living in Rhode Island, he visited the local area this summer to explore his childhood memories.

Now he's writing about his experiences in the hopes of dealing effectively with the burdens that chaotic childhood left behind. And maybe - just maybe- his story can help other hurting people and those who are trying to help them.

"My mother began to treat my brother and me as though it was our fault that Jeremy died. Every chance she got, she blamed us for the accident. Being so young, I believed what my mother told me because I trusted her. Now I realize that's what you do when you are a child; you automatically trust your mother."

Here's a lesson. No matter the degree of abuse or neglect, the child's bond with his mother is intense.

Even before the accident, life was already a kind of hell for Jonathan. After the accident, Jonathan's mother spent increasingly more time away from the four-year-old and his nine-year-old brother. The two boys were left to fend for themselves when the mother left them home alone for long periods of time.

The mother increased her use of drugs and alcohol and there were "grungy" men in the home.

"The smell of those men made me feel like throwing up," Jonathan says.

The physical burden of caring for himself at a young age wasn't the only hardship Jonathan faced.

"I had nobody to talk to about my grief, and at the age of four, I had to deal with the loss of my beloved brother on my own."

He began to feel anxious, confused and scared when the mother was around because she turned her anger on her surviving sons.

Before Jeremy's death, there were times when the mother was not drunk or high. At times, the mother made Jonathan feel loved. After the accident, the mother became a cold and unattached person who could not love her surviving sons.

"I was four years old without a loving mother. I fell into a feeling of hopelessness like a big black hole. I could not rely on my mother for anything, and I had to rely on my brother more and more as a parent."

His mother's degeneration led to the family having to move, with one stop being in a trailer in Union City.

Less than two years after his brother was killed, Jonathan watched his trailer home burn. With his mother screaming in the background and sirens wailing, he realized the dogs were still in the house. One dog survived, but the boys later learned their mother's boyfriend broke the neck of the other dog. The fire apparently was the result of a domestic fight between the mother and her boyfriend.

Jonathan's life was about to take an even worse turn. His mother decided to move in with her mother and stepfather. Jonathan's grandmother had abandoned her own daughter when she was 11.

Another lesson: child abuse and neglect is often handed down from one generation to the next.

Leaving her two sons alone with the grandparents, the mother pursued her lifestyle of drug and alcohol abuse.

"The abuse my brother and I endured from these grandparents was more emotionally damaging than either the fire or my brother's death," Jonathan says.

He is not yet comfortable with sharing that part of his life, except to say that his brother and he had only each other.

Report child abuse: It's the law

childabuse part3

Published: Thursday, January 20, 2005 8:28 PM EST

Sunday, March 6, 2011, 10:00 p.m.
Stat counter removed

THIS IS FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO REPEAL HEATLH CARE IN THE USA

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Uploaded to Youtube on June 18, 2007 ~ During President George W Bush's term

CENTRAL FALLS, RHODE ISLAND - AN EXAMPLE OF HOW NOT TO UNDERSTAND

THE COMPLEXITIES OF HOW SOCIETY SETS UP SCHOOLS TO FAIL

Click to enlarge
The Newport Daily News opinion article of February 25, 2010

Dear President Obama,

When I was volunteering for your campaign during the primary season in New Hampshire, you said that you expected and wanted citizens to tell you when you were off track or wrong, if you were elected President. I have been doing that for a year now, regarding Darfur and genocide. This letter however focuses on the issue of what makes our schools successful. What are the ingredients that make a school one that provides a quality education? It is an uneducated thought that results in believing high school students dropping out or doing poorly because of current teachers in a high school are the isolated rationale for the failures.

The comment that you said today: "... a school that fails its students year after year. That's what happened in Rhode Island," is simply the wrong choice of words and the lack of understanding is so sad to me. You are the President, you bear the responsibility to be more thoughtful and have a better grasp of what is going on about our schools.

I think you know this: schools are a microcosm of the larger society. The teachers are a very important part of the school system, but year after year what teachers are expected to be in order to fix the society's ills and the children that are immersed in that society is simply astonishingly overwhelming.

I taught in the Sturbridge, Massachusetts public school system my first year and had 950 students. Yes, 950. My second year through my 29th year, I taught in the Portsmouth Public Schools in Rhode Island and only had 700 students originally, which at the lowest number I had only 450 students. After that I retired, only to teach again, but in a private school, so that I could send my son to a private Quaker upper school, high school. He was a student of mine that I met in his second grade class. When I met him, he could not read, not because he wasn't bright, because he is extremely bright, but because of the hell that he lived in as a child with his birth mother. She was the reason his life was a hell. She was also poor.

I offered to be his mentor in school, gave him free piano lessons, took pictures of him, put them in a little photo album and wrote long captions on the backs of each picture to encourage him to teach himself to read. He loved that photo book. He didn't have photos of himself and he couldn't thank me enough the afternoon that I gave him the album. Long story short ~ eventually, I adopted him. But he moved in when was 10 years old. The groundwork had been set for him to fail. He had moved from foster home to foster home. And he had already experienced one failed adoption placement. Detachment disorder, PTSD, abuse and the worst, neglect, were all contenders for his wholeness to be splintered.

The reason I wanted him to be accepted to go to a private high school was many, but centrally because he had so many disadvantages in his childhood and I wanted him to have some advantages to help him be the best that he could be. I wanted him to have an excellent education. I didn't want him to lose his natural love of learning, which was evident when I first met him when he was 8. Here I was a public school teacher most of my life and I was choosing to send him to an expensive private school that had a high standard of excellence. But, then I had a high standard of excellence in my public school music classroom all the years I taught.

Here is my point of bringing up my son's situation. It wasn't the schools that failed him as much as it was his family, the adults in his life that should have provided a safe environment, but provided an environment that should have cemented a life of failure and depression for him. And it did for his older brother who never had the benefit of having someone tuck him in at night or read him a bedtime story or care that he have a good education. And it was the terrible mistakes of the foster care program which I would love to expose for the tragic and unspeakable handling of my son's life and his brothers'. Simply wrong - what they did time after time.

Although I live in Rhode Island, I don't know much about Central Falls, the town you slammed the teachers in the high school for the poor record of education. But I googled it and found it is a very poor town. The median income in 2000 was $22,628. Granted that is 10 years ago, but Rhode Island unemployment is very high, so I will assume the median isn't relatively any better today. It also has a high per centage of people who don't speak English.

This means that these are poor families, at best. Many families have no father. If there is child humiliation, abuse, neglect, abandonment, then also being poor is pretty much going to be a life of extremely difficult barriers to overcome for a chld. Furthermore, drugs may be an issue with at least a fair number of the adults in this town. Drugs were with my son's mother. And as he said, she was better when she was on the drugs, than when she wasn't. People who are addicted can be nastier when they need a fix, than when they are on their high. But regardless, neglect is the result of a parent on drugs.

Below is pasted what was found at wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_Falls,_Rhode_Island

Here is the last line of this section, highlighted for you:
About 25.9% of families and 29.0% of the population were below the poverty line, including 40.8% of those under age 18 and 29.3% of those age 65 or over.

As of the census[1] of 2000, there were 18,928 people, 6,696 households, and 4,359 families residing in the city. The population density was 15,652.0 people per square meli (6,039.8/km²). There were 7,270 housing units at an average density of 6,011.7/sq mi (2,319.8/km²). The racial makeup of the city was 57.16% White, 5.82% African American, 0.57% Native American, 0.68% Asian, 0.04% Pacific Islander, 28.35% from other races, and 7.38% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 47.77% of the population.

There were 6,696 households out of which 38.9% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 36.4% were married couples living together, 21.6% had a female householder with no husband present, and 34.9% were non-families. 29.3% of all households were made up of individuals and 12.7% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.74 and the average family size was 3.38.

In the city the population was spread out with 29.2% under the age of 18, 11.8% from 18 to 24, 31.6% from 25 to 44, 15.8% from 45 to 64, and 11.5% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 30 years. For every 100 females there were 98.7 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 93.7 males.

The median income for a household in the city was $22,628, and the median income for a family was $26,844. Males had a median income of $23,854 versus $18,544 for females. The per capita income for the city was $10,825. About 25.9% of families and 29.0% of the population were below the poverty line, including 40.8% of those under age 18 and 29.3% of those age 65 or over.

1) Central Falls - this is a high school that the whole staff was fired. And anyone knows, with any sense at all, that failure in our educational systems happens way before high school. So, to fire the high school staff, blaming that staff for the sins of the entire society, is ridiculous.

2) I would wager that many of these children in Central Falls go to school hungry and go to bed hungry.

3) Keep in mind that children who don't have a stable home life, cannot concentrate in school. No matter how excellent a teacher is.

When I was a teacher, it wasn't as bad as it is now. The paper work is overwhelming for teachers today. Teachers serve as more than just teachers. We are to solve all of society's ills. We are to take a child who is tired from lack of sleep, from extreme neglect, hunger, abuse, anxiety from a strident home life and bring up their test scores to compete with our mind's model. And don't think just because a child comes from a home that has the money to provide is simply better off and ready to learn. Oftentimes, that child is overindulged, has too much given to them without thought or merit and this child suffers from unengaged parents many times. I even saw this in the private school that I taught in. I can't remember where I heard this, but an overindulged child has been given a major disservice.

The private Quaker high school that my son graduated from has an excellent success rate, as I am sure your daughters' school has. But the enrollments at these schools are handpicked. The public school staff that you reprimanded and yet praised the superintendent for firing the teachers and principals didn't handpick the enrollment. And public school's "hands" are limited in dealing with behavior and what can be required by the parents and the students. Unlike a private school that has much more room to make its own rules.

We have children in the USA who are supposed to come to school ready to learn, yet they have multiple distractions in their lives that I didn't have when I was growing up. When I was a child, we had television, but much of the time there wasn't even a show on the two or three channels we had. And we had phones, but all the technology that is available to shorten our attention spans today wasn't present to cause us to have too many choices to soak up our abilities to concentrate.

We are asking a lot of our teachers and we give so little support to their effort. When I was a teacher, I never heard a parent say to me, "expect more of my child". Quite the contrary.

So, in the end the solution is not to fire the teachers and expect a different outcome. From the day the child is born, we as a society and the society within the child's family life, set the expectations, show our examples, and raise the child in an environment that sets him or her up to be ready to receive what the teacher can build upon.

So, we better begin way before high school to change what needs to be done to offer our children their optimal chance at learning. If a child can't read in the second grade, then he is not as likely to reach his potential in high school. And we failed that child way before high school. I found as a teacher of 5 to 10 year olds most of my career, that by second grade, children were set in their thinking as to their potential. Whether it be like my son who had been beaten, told he was worthless and stupid in an on-going routine before he moved out of his mother's reach or that a child feels worthless sitting in a classroom when he thinks everyone else gets "it" but him - it isn't just the teachers' jobs to make our education for our children the best. It is our job, too. The adults outside and inside the school system.

And yes, teachers aren't all excellent. As in all professions, some are excellent and some are mediocre and some are bad at what they do. But, then our government is also a microcosm for our society. It has been failing us, too. For a long time.

The four options given to "failing" schools are wide open for criticism. The teachers do have a contract. And I am certain this will be a court case. Your statement today, I found off base, full of some misguided arrogance. And not helpful. I wonder how many of these teachers would have glowing evaluations if they were teaching in the private school that your daughter have the fortune to attend. We as teachers have to work with the students in front of us. I imagine teachers are not too fond of you right now. And I am quite certain the teachers unions all recommended voting for you.

What now?

The turnaround you are assuming will happen because the entire staff at Central Falls public high school was fired will be a bit more complex than you dream of.

Just like the Darfur issue is a bit more complex than General Gration and you seem to think it is and warrants some serious thinking.

Not too happy with you.

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Click on post title for Portsmouth website.

Census 2000 Data

A summary profile for all Rhode Island towns from the Census 2000 characteristics is available from the RI Office of Statewide Planning at: http://www.planning.ri.gov/census/citytown.htm

Central Falls School Website

Central Falls RI USA website

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My son is proof that hard work, parental involvement (though late for a child's development) and a good school environment can work wonders for a student. But, I maintain it takes all three, at a minimum. He is one of the most exceptional students in the engineering school he attends - so much so, that his university in Boston offered him the opportunity to double up his undergraduate courses with graduate courses, earning both his Bachelor's and Master's degrees in the amount of time it takes a student to earn only their Bachelor's.

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Visit this website...
Don't be silent
when using your voice is so vital and so easy:

sudansham2010.org
See 50 days of actions running up to the Sudan April 11, 2010 Elections


Sandra Hammel
Use Your Voice to Stop Genocide RI
Leading Rhode Island, Day 6, Feb 25, 2010 in Sudan Sham 2010 campaign

GENOCIDE WILL only STOP WITH US
Our leaders have taught us this

My twitter:

@ilovemylife5

Facebook: Sandra Hammel

the "Sandra Hammel" currently with the Red, White and Blue
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Tweet this button to read: @JimLangevin Call for a Intelligence Committee special hearing re: #Sudan policy review and demand pressures and consequences #SudanSham

"The Most Important Office is That of Private Citizen" Louis D. Brandeis

Contact the President:
www.whitehouse.gov/contact
202-456-1111
1-800-GENOCIDE
Obama on Darfur

Ingredients of a Genocide

sudansham2010.org

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Uploaded by ilovemylifesblog

FAILING A CHILD BECOMES A LEGACY

Last night I read a report about a boy of 7 years old that made me cry. The heaviness is so powerful that it takes over. The unprotected boy lived a life of hell. He has grown since and is living as one who lived a childhood of hell. He didn't escape the eternal and internal prison that could be expected of one who was immersed in a life of neglect, abuse and rejection. Children lost become all of our legacy.

This child was failed by his mother, his father, his extended family, his community and in the end by one state's foster system that made the wrong decision to place him back with his mother when it was the one place he should never return.

One state's jurisdiction had to be handed over to the adjacent state when the boy's mother moved over the state line at a critical time in his life. The boy's report's recommendation - after a long residence stay in a caring facility for the boy, that he not be returned to the mother - was overturned by the new state. It could not have been clearer in the report that this would be disastrous for the 7 year old.

We - as the larger community - fail our children when we don't search out the truth of these children's private lives and act accordingly. The thing about this boy is that enough of his truth was known and still he was not placed in a safe home. This boy's story will never be told. The honoring of confidentiality will protect those who made the wrong decisions. Light needs to be shed on the horrendous truth of the quiet lives of desperation that children live right here in the United States of America.

Hell is For Children
Lyrics

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child

It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing

Because hell
Hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell is for children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

No, hell is for children

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Love Rescue Me - U2
Written by Bono and Bob Dylan
Uploaded by Impulse032

You can adopt children who are waiting while in foster care: foster-adoption

www.fosterparenting.com

rhode-island.adoption.com

Who May Adopt In Rhode Island

In Rhode Island you may adopt a child if you are over 21 years of age. There is no upper age limit, and adoptive parents in their 40s and 50s are quite common. You do not need to own your own home and either single or married parents may adopt. Your sexual orientation doesn't matter in Rhode Island for adoption.

At 4:36 of the Youtube below, Odetta speaks from the words of the quote I have included here:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you, not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
in Return to Love

We must answer the call when asked to step up and be a help to others. We must. Or we risk living at the mercy of those who grew up in childhood hell.

We each can do our part.

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Odetta
Uploaded by justjoshfunk1

I BELIEVE IN YOU

I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU

It was a day in late October in the year of 1995. I met Mrs.D's second grade class in the hall as I did every class in order to do the symbolic hand-off of who's in charge for the up-coming music class. Mrs. D said "We have a new boy and he's from Boy's Town and . . ." Jon was born in August in the year of 1987. I became Jon's mentor in school and became friends with his foster family.

While lost on the way home from a church Halloween roller skating party, this song played on the car radio. The line in the song that says "just give me something that I can hold on to..." caught Jonathan's ear.

In the spring, Jon began piano lessons with me and he was allowed to do things outside of school with DCYF (Department of Children, Youth and Families) authorization. The next school year Jon was to get his "forever family" and left our school and community in the fall to live with his new family. I cried in my walk-in closet many times after Jon left.

This song "In This Life" meant a lot to me during this time. The video makes no sense for my purpose here, but the words do.

"Let the world stop turning.
Let the sun stop burning.
Let them tell me love's not worth going through.
If it all falls apart,
I will know deep in my heart
the only dream that mattered had come true:
In this life I was loved by you."

Early next spring, on March 7, 1997, I received a call from Jon's case worker that he was coming back to our school system and would be living with the same foster family that he had left before the adoption placement. On Christmas Day in 1997 at 4:00 p.m., Jon came to live with his new "forever family". On March 8, 1999 Jon was legally adopted. Today, March 8, Jon has been my son for eight years.

Jon is my only. I chose not to have children when I was very young because I didn't want to bring children into this problem-filled world. The journey with Jon has been touching, raw, painful, extremely tough and rewarding. I can with all honesty and sincerity say that he enriches my life. I know his journey will hold many levels of discovery. . . his life has so many layers. I am pleased and proud to be his mother. As a freshman at Northeastern University's Engineering School he received all A's except for one A- first semester. Jon is a hard-working and honest student.

This picture was taken at Spain tonight.

Tonight, I took Jon to my favorite restaurant, Spain, in Narragansett, Rhode Island. The conversation included his courses, his girl friend, a possible trip to Europe with her, his co-op/intern semester next spring, summer job plans, movies, where he stands on his beliefs, politics, homosexuality and what he thinks of my beliefs. In the end, we pretty much stand together on the issues.

Being a kid today is full of pitfalls. And for those kids that have parents who fall completely short of their responsibilities as parents, life is so demanding of resilience. I knew when I met Jon that if any kid could make it against all of the odds that were stacked against him - Jon could.

And he continues to prove that right. I am so grateful to be a part of his life and play my part for his goodness and for my growth.

I love my life. It hasn't been a life at the beach with Jon, but now I can and will say, it has proven that my strong sense of natural connection with Jon in the beginning was right and still holds true. I listened to my heart in 1995 and now in 2007, I am all the more richer in my heart.

Love,
Mom

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Dedicated to my son
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A-ah...let's hear Amanda Marshall in another version of
"I Believe in You"

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More than 100,000 children in the United States are in foster care waiting for permanent families.

Hundreds of thousands of children around the world are living in orphanages

or substitute care and need homes.

Are you ready to parent?

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