I THINK OF YOU - JOHANNA

My friend lost her father this week. And this post includes a video I made for her and this time of sadness for her. Light a candel for your dad or someone else's dad

From Kahlil Gibran's

On Beauty

Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.

Read it in full
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John Gorka sings I Think of You
Especially for Johanna. Johanna has helped me get to know Heath Ledger and his work. She introduced me to Heath's Conor of the Roar Series.

In this video is a clip of Johanna's favorite movie of Heath's - Candy and also a bit of my favorite, The Four Feathers, as well as a clip of the Sweet Bright episode of Roar (or so it is titled on my dvd - I think it should be titled Sweet Bridget) and pictures of Brokeback Mountain, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Heath's final film) and The Patriot.

Youtube has made this video a "featured video" under two categories as of today: ilovemylife and Heath Ledger.

Johanna has become my friend. June 1st was an important day to her and this video is a tribute to her and this important day when her father passed away.

This is best watched at youtube, where you can select to watch it in the size of your screen. (Lower right corner of yt video - the four cornered arrows....just click on that.)

Used in this video: Candy, Roar, The Four Feathers and also pictures from The Patriot, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and Brokeback Mountain.

I encourage supporting John Gorka who graciously said "yes" when I asked him if I could use his music on my youtube videos. johngorka.com
His music is also available at itunes and amazon.

Lyrics

I look to see the wildflowers blooming and wonder why they seem so plain
Springtime rides all the brown hills over, young birds sing in the silver rain
I think of you as the night rolls by,
you’re on my mind the whole night through

Far away in a lonesome city, all the time you’re gone, I think of you
And when my world has turned to sunlight,
and the dust clouds stand in the summer sky
I’ll number all the climbing roses, watch to see the milkweed fly
I think of you as the night rolls by,
you’re on my mind the whole night through

Far away in a lonesome city, all the time you’re gone, I think of you
And when I hear the soft wind moaning,
like an angel’s voice from a far-off shore
My days slip by like light snow falling,
or dry brown leaves blown by my door
I think of you as the night rolls by,
you’re on my mind the whole night through
Far away in a lonesome city, all the time you’re gone, I think of you

Previous posts about my dad's death

Though-my-dad-died-he-lives-on

My-last-good-by-to-my-dad-and-my-red-sled

Because-of-my-dad-i-know-i-have-known-what-loves-feel-like
This post has a note to and from the nurse who helped me speak to my father the day that he died.

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Dance
Thank you, Tina, for making this public again.
Uploaded by stillmissheath2

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How I Got Over
Mahalia Jackson
The video quality needs to be overlooked - but this is great, nevermind the flaws in the video.
Uploaded by elfeco

My dad loved this kind of music. And so do I. We had Mahalia's LP and I loved playing it on the record player when I was young. I bought Mahalia's music on cd and it still affects me, today. I was singing along with this song in the car yesterday...one great car ride on a beautiful ride over the Newport-Pell Bridge over Narragansett Bay here in Rhode Island.

A click on the post title will take you Kahlil Gibran's Friendship

JUST GIVE ME ONE THING I CAN HOLD ON TO - THE BODY NEVER LIES

The post title's first half are words from the song used in the video, Angel from Montgomery and the second half is not only true, it is the title of Alice Miller's wonderful book, The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting.

................................................................... www.youtube.com/watch_private?v=jiLPuXYPZqs&sharing_token=juM6OGQUx-OZsQXf5YwtbQ ...................................................................

Please, let me know if clicking the link above doesn't take you to the video at youtube for the poem Brave Truth

This youtube video was uploaded as "private". I have done this before and found my "private" video uploaded on a website. I am hoping this doesn't happen for this one. Edit: Feb 5, 2022: Temporarily, I made this video unlisted to make certain one young woman can see, as I share the link: https://youtu.be/jiLPuXYPZqs

https://ilovemylifebrothersandsisters.blogspot.com/2010/01/just-give-me-one-thing-i-can-hold-on-to.html

I was starting to go through my computer, preparing to back-up everything for a major repair and found some things in the wrong place. One of the things that I found is this poem written July 27, 2008. My life changed from the exchange that I refer to in this poem. It is then that a weight lifted and soon after I started blogging, I chose the name ilovemylife as a direct result of this exchange. I continue to process the experiences of a lifetime. Clarity and sense of ownership to my own perceptions have freed me and continue to move me in that direction. My post Moments of real versus a lifetime of pretending speaks of Alice Miller's book, The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting . Another of her books is The Truth Shall Set You Free. Alice has written many books about the childhood trauma many of us have had and continue to be affected by throughout our lifetime. Her website: Alice Miller The following is a letter from her website: readers mail Dear Alice, I stopped seeing my mother 7 years ago, because I always was afraid of having deadly illnesses after the weekly phone calls with her. Because I couldn’t cope any longer with these fears, I decided I had to have a time out and I told her I didn’t want to have contact for some weeks. She was very angry and wanted an explanation. I told her that I had the feeling she never loved me. She was very angry: how could I say that she did not love me because she and my dad paid for my study, and when I was I child she could not sleep because I was afraid during the night and crying for her attention, and when I was very ill when I was a baby she was visiting doctors with me. She was so angry that she told me that she will advise every parent not to visit a doctor with a little child. She told me that I had to apologize for saying that she didn’t love me; else she didn’t want to see me. In the first 2 years my father was visiting me every 6 months and was asking me to apologize; that would be better for the whole family, my mother and him and my two sisters and the daughters of my sister. He stopped visiting me when it was clear to him that I was not going to apologize for something I was feeling. I’m still seeing my sisters. We never talk about my parents, but I know that they do not understand my decision. “Because my parents are old people now, and they had their faults but now we are adults and have to cope with our problems ourselves”. My two sisters are very close. They never contact me, I always contact them. The youngest has two little daughters and it’s nice seeing these little girls. That’s why I want to have contact with my sisters and also because I’m very afraid of not having family at all. But the contact with my sisters is not satisfying, because the youngest sister is never ever interested in me, never asks me a question and is only talking to me about her life. The eldest sister makes me feel very bad; she tells me that a lot of things happened between her and me when we were children and that that’s the reason why our contact will never be good. I told her that the things that happened between us as little sisters is not because we were bad children but a result of the treatment of our parents. Since I am not seeing my parents any more it’s going very well with me professionally and personally. The only problem that persists is that with friends it’s hard for me feeling comfortable; I’m often feeling overwhelmed by them and afraid that they don’t like seeing me anymore. But with my sisters it’s not going better, even worse. It seems as if they are not interested in me and I always feel very bad after having contact with them. But I’m afraid stopping contacting my sisters, because then I am totally without family. And I’m thinking maybe it’s true, that I’m bad and that I have to try being a better person. Last night I had a dream. In this dream first my youngest sister had informed my boss that I was a very bad person. My mother was laughing. I was afraid because my boss didn’t tell me but it was clear for me that she agreed with my sister (she changed in her communication to me). Then my other sister with a youth friend told me angrily :“that’s the same thing you did in “ city X””. I was totally in a shock, I haven’t ever heard of the name “city x”, and what I did wrong. I panicked, could not breath and awoke crying…. I’m afraid of not having family anymore, but I’m afraid as well that it is not healthy having this kind of relationship with my sisters and always have the feeling that they don’t like seeing and talking to me. Seven years ago it was very hard for me to come to the conclusion that I had to stop seeing my mother. Now I’m very, very glad because I lost a lot of irrational fears. But now it’s even harder to know what to do in the contact with my sisters. Thank you for your wonderful books and website! End of the Reader's Mail letter on Alice Miller's website There are more letters: Alice Miller Readers Mail Click on the post title and it will take you to the amazon page to purchase the book. I get nothing for recommending this book. However, I recommend it. I find it very validating.

DEEPEST NEED IS TO FEEL CONNECTED

Much of the personal writing on this post has been removed. I know it is probably cached but I felt it may be a mistake to leave it here.

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I believe the deepest need we have is to feel connected. The best that I can do is to open up. I know there have to be others out there who are looking to connect and just haven't found the words, the understanding or someone to confide in their deepest feelings and tenderness.

We are by nature fragile beings.

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Aside from looking at my own vulnerabilities, I have become interested in Heath Ledger recently. I have come late to the admiration of his work, but also I am trying to understand what is so connectable about him for me. The best parts of his movies' dvds are the special features and commentaries. I like those on A Knights Tale, The Four Feathers and Brokeback Mountain. He isn't fidgeting in the interviews of A Knights Tale and The Four Feathers, but calm and introspective. There is a wonderful segment just about him on the dvd of A Knights Tale. I used some of it in this video.

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In Brokeback Mountain's dvd special feature - The Making of Brokeback Mountain - he says that he always likes to bare his soul a little bit...that it is theraputic.

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Making Of Brokeback Mountain
Uploaded by LoveLeeR. -

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Shekhar Kapur and Deepak Chopra talk about Heath

Ang Lee talks about Heath

It is apparent that when Heath was creating, he was most at home and comfortable. There had to be some internal struggle. The drugs, legal or not, didn't serve him well. What he could convey through the lens of a video camera came across as genuine and connected to my heart. Except for the joker in A Dark Knight and Ned Kelly. The humility, down-to-earth conversation, shyness and restlessness that came across in interviews couldn't help but show a side to Heath that showed him to be a mystery of complexity. I'll never understand Heath.

I do have keys to my soul.

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Self-Knowledge ~ Kahlil Gibran

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."

And he answered, saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.

But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

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Having a Voice

by Sandra Hammel

I’ve found my voice

Never to be stilled again

Not going to live voiceless anymore, especially when it comes to you

The small kernel of courage to live out loud has emerged

and

It feels right,
it feels good,
it feels like home.

You’ve kept me quiet with nothing but my need to have you love me.

And now something has been unleashed within me

and my voice must speak
its truths

braving your total disregard

which seems nothing more than what’s been my lot anyway.

Nothing really to lose

but to gain,
oh,
I can’t even begin to imagine
what I have to gain.
But I anticipate the possibilities with no more sadness.
Excited.

In my life’s garden, I expect gladness, gratitude and shining bright colors blooming inside

BURSTING to get
out

This is where I have always wanted to be.

Now,
I’m here.

It’s great to be here,





home.


Written January 13, 2006

DEATH DOES NOT END A RELATIONSHIP

My dad died one year ago today on May 10, 2007. I appreciate my relationship with my dad that I continue today. I wrote about the day Though My Dad Died He Lives On
and also
I Sang for My Father Precious Memories
Because of My Dad Know I Have Known What Love Feels Like

The relationship of connectedness or lacking of connectedness that we have with a mother or a father are monumentally important. They affect us in everything. I continue to try to accept that my mother is what she is. Not what I thought she was, but what she is.

Last mother's day was spent away from my son. I spent the morning on that mother's day in Indiana, my son in Rhode Island. I was sitting in church with a congregation of the people that I grew up with. My brother sitting by my side from Hawaii. We were there for dad though his body had no more life in it. That afternoon I sang hymns to my dad in the casket ~ sitting on a stool and being with him ~ in a way that was denied the last time I was in Indiana while he was alive.

I touched his cold hands and cheeks. It was real. He was gone. And yet...
death does not end a relationship. Mine with my father is clearer than ever. He was genuine, there was no charade of pretending to care for me. That in the end became to be so very important to me.

Dad waited for me to sing one last time The Old Rugged Cross while the phone was held to his ear. The last communication he had with me, because he couldn't talk and was too weak to respond to my suggestion to squeeze the nurse's hand to say that he loved me was to wink with his left eye. His last breath was taken when I sang the last word of the song.

My dad was not a pretender. He was the best parent at the end when who he truly was ~ was transparent. There is nothing that can be better than to have a parent who is authentic.

I love you, Dad. Thank you, I know you are my angel.

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I Know You By Heart

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Sung by Eva Cassidy

On Giving
Kahlil Gibran

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father.
On Giving

On Death
Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
On Death

Kahlil Gibran On Children

Kahlil Gibran On Love

Kahlil Gibran On Freedom

Kahlil Gibran On Beauty

Kahlil Gibran On Self-Knowledge

Kahlil Gibran On Joy and Sorrow

BONDS THAT TRANSCEND ARE SPIRITUAL ONES

I love my son. I miss my son. This is for him…
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUoEil40qZA

I Will Always Love You

My son was adopted when he was eleven years old. The connection that I have always felt for him is innate and undeniable. I want to be in his life. I am here. I hope that one day he will find me someone that is vital to him. I carry his heart in my heart.

Adopted children all have a journey that is a reaction to having been released or abandoned by their birth parents, especially their mothers.

I never wanted children. In sixth grade I told my mother this. It was a response to what I read in the Weekly Reader, a children’s type of newspaper. The world just didn’t seem a fair place to bring a child into. My son entered my life. Then he entered my heart. I answered LIFE by making the move to be his mother. It hurts so much to be held at a distance. But apparently I am where I am to be. I have done the best that I could, all things considered. I have no regrets.


Children
By Khalil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.


Love
By Khalil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Gibran's Works:
http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet.html

Khalil Gibran (1883-1895) was born on January 6, 1883, to the Maronite family of Gibran in Bsharri, a mountainous area in Northern Lebanon. Bio: http://leb.net/~mira/bio/1.html