MIGHT BE UNBELIEVABLE IF IT WASN'T HAPPENING

Do you have one person in your life that the bond would be unbelievable, if it wasn't actually happening to you? I do. I didn't look for this bond where I found it. I always wanted this bond to happen with one other person and expected or hoped it would happen in an intimate relationship. But that is not where it showed up.

The bond is organic, in that it is natural and just is. That doesn't mean that it has only been warm feelings, peaceful and always smooth. None of those things are true. Trying to understand his emotional pain, heartfelt best intentions to always be what I needed to be for this person, times of being on the receiving end of hurtful words are true. Importantly, the hurtful words are not definitive of who he is. He owns his mistakes. And this is a new experience for me. I feel heard when expressing my feelings. I have not witnessed this truthful and complete endeavor in others to be the best that they are in all parts of their life. More specifically, the introspection that he uses to be his best self, I have not seen before. Especially in the men I have known.

The connection is one that is deep in my soul. I believe it is reciprocal. It is a rich and complex relationship between two deeply-feeling and deeply-experiencing beings. I am so grateful to have this bond and to know the connection in the way that I do as a gift from this other spirit walking the earth at the same time that I am.

It is without pretense. There is genuine communication not only in a mortal way, but in a spiritual way. The sincerity he has is so healing for me to see in another human being.

Truthfulness is a hallmark of how we allow each other to be. It is stunning and beautiful and I am grateful.

Recently, each time I have brought a difficult conversation to him, he has shown himself to not only meet me fairly and with complete integrity, he has exceeded how I might have imagined him to show up and allow himself to be and allow me to see. The openness has been refreshing. As he has entered his young adult life and I have entered the autumn into winter season of my life, he has shown glimpses of the most beautiful human being I have ever known. We are now working through things with our roles changing and I now can ask for things not possible when my role was the grown-up and he the, child.

We are approximately 40 years different in age.

He is my son. I didn't give him birth. But, if I had, we couldn't have been more connected with more of a bond.

December 28, 1997

Since my movie camera stopped working the day that he moved in, we went out and rented a movie camera to capture memories of the first Christmas together.

More of the same day

ENTER MY HEART

I went into my heart, today.

All the love that I have is shared

with you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So many times a day I feel I have been to "church"

. . . to a sacred place

within me.

Many things

can trigger the journey to the deeply welcome experience ~

the journey felt with such brightness,

such blazing intensity,

such liberating forces ~

to where I feel so alive that I KNOW LIFE

and my Life are ONE,

are in communion

and we are all that there is,

and can be.

We are.

And never will know death

because we are already in Eternity.

We are the sunshine,

We are the soulful existence.

We are LIFE's lives . . .

those of us who feel this.

We are forces of Nature.

Nothing stands in our way,

when we answer without reservations,

"YES".

Hallelujah.

I am here ~

you can take what you will

and I will lose nothing from your taking.

because my Source is limitless,

endless

and

grace...

glorious grace.

Life without End.

Many of us walk the Earth ~

We leave our mark on your hearts

and you say

"Thank you"

By Sandra Hammel
from Journal #21 ~ A Walk on the Free Side
pages 10 - 13
October 22, 24, 2009

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October 30, 2009
Pages 23 - 26

If our voices won't speak for justice and for truth,
then unchecked human behaviors are free
with impunity.

We are capable of humankindness overflowing,
gentleness and empathy.

And we are capable of resentment,
acts of torture
and extermination of whole groups of people.

We can speak for justice.
We can stand for truth.

If we are silent, we speak clearly of our intention
to do no good.

There is no honor in being silent
when the correct thing to do
is to speak up.

We, each, are only one,
but we give our nations the power to represent us.

When our nations see no urgency to stop
our own wrongs ~
we give away the only real power we own.
Our integrity.

And who,
what,
are we, then?

I do not want to be defined by the wrongs of my nation.

But, I maintain that I still have my one voice.

And there are some human injustices
which I choose to speak out about.

As long as we allow it,
injustice will reign over justice.

End of Sandra Hammel's writing, for the moment.

"You see things as they are and ask "Why?"

I dream things as they never were and ask "Why not?"

George Bernard Shaw

"Some people look at things as they are and ask "Why?"
I dream things that never were and ask "Why not?"

Robert Francis Kennedy

From the song "Imagine":

You may say that I'm a dreamer..."

.....................................................

.....................................................
Connie Talbot sings Imagine
Uploaded by SweetTinkerbelle

From my journal #21's Preface page and
also my very first post when I opened this blog on November 28, 2006:

Whatever you can do

or dream
you can

BEGIN IT.

Boldness has genius,

power and magic in it.

Goethe

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Written by Sandra Hammel
November 1, 2009
from my journal #21, pages 28 - 31

November 1, 2009

To My Spirit ~

I am covered by the mist of your love

I am surrounded by your light,

immersed in your joy.

You carry my heart,

protecting

and

guiding me.


We are here to serve LIFE

and we are happy to be.

Love is given to us to give to one another.

There is no higher purpose,

no deeper joy. . .

We travel on the wings of kindness.

We know ecstasy,

liberty's free blessings.

peace.

We have been called by LIFE to live,

sharing our spirit's gifts,

not afraid to speak aloud,

to be bold,

to feel deeply,

rawly.

We walk with Grace holding us.

I am because you are.

You are because I am.

We are here never to be dead,

but

eternally alive.

We are here

to share

our spirit . . .

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Written by Sandra Hammel

November 11, 2009
from my journal #21, pages 34 - 39

Some things should bother us.

Bother us, deeply.

So much so,

we must act to make a difference.

And across boundaries.

Boundaries created by religion, by governments, philosophies, countries, politics, money.

And those things include

abusing children,

neglecting children,

selling children,

abusing selling, raping anyone,

and

any form of genocide.

We are defined not only by what we do,
what we directly affect ~
but by what we don't do,
what we don't choose to stand for.

.................................................

or, Start a Petition

Change.org

.................................................

We are wrong to allow genocide ~
there are no exceptions to this.

There is no political reason or any other reason,
that makes it okay
to not affect the ending and preventing genocide,
Mr. President.

And in my heart's wisdom, I think this: You know this.

What are principles, if not to live by,
even when,
especially when,
it is thoroughly difficult.

China, a country, not known to live by principle of justice and with moral integrity and sweeping humane ideals should not hold our moral compass and fortitude and our actions in the balance. As hostages of our debt to China. China owns us literally and figuratively. Your administration has not turned out to be "The Change" I can believe in.

"If we care, the world will care. If we bear witness, the world will know. If we act, the world will follow." Barack Obama, April 30, 2006, International Day of Action for Darfur, Washington, D.C.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To: The President of the United States, The U.S. Senate and The U.S. House

Started by: MASSACHUSETTS COALITION TO SAVE DARFUR

The Government of Sudan continues to undermine prospects for peace in Sudan.

Violations by the Government of Sudan continue, despite the “fresh” start from the US Special Envoy and the new US Sudan Policy announced on October 19, 2009. Sudan continues its dangerous tactics: Delay, Manipulate, Block, Ignore, Deny. We know of attacks on civilians, threats of forced returns of IDPs, the blockage of humanitarian aid and threats on aid workers. Three million Darfuris are displaced in camps, and time is running out to fulfill the terms of the CPA for South Sudan.

The warning signs are clear:
- "Millions could miss Sudan elections" - Reuters
- "Abyei: Bashir wants it all" - Roger Winter
- "Sudan at the flash point" - Eric Reeves
- "What to do about Sudan now" - John Prendergast

Tell your representatives in Congress and President Obama that the US must now start using the pressures that were promised as part of the new US Sudan Policy.

Please sign the letter ~ USA citizens

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GENOCIDE IS NOT OKAY

USE YOUR VOICE
TO CALL UPON OUR LEADERS
TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT
ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS VERY WRONG

standnow.org
www.savedarfur.org
whilewewaitsudan.blogspot.com

www.henryjacksonsociety.org/stories

DEEPEST NEED IS TO FEEL CONNECTED

Much of the personal writing on this post has been removed. I know it is probably cached but I felt it may be a mistake to leave it here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe the deepest need we have is to feel connected. The best that I can do is to open up. I know there have to be others out there who are looking to connect and just haven't found the words, the understanding or someone to confide in their deepest feelings and tenderness.

We are by nature fragile beings.

..................................................

..................................................

Aside from looking at my own vulnerabilities, I have become interested in Heath Ledger recently. I have come late to the admiration of his work, but also I am trying to understand what is so connectable about him for me. The best parts of his movies' dvds are the special features and commentaries. I like those on A Knights Tale, The Four Feathers and Brokeback Mountain. He isn't fidgeting in the interviews of A Knights Tale and The Four Feathers, but calm and introspective. There is a wonderful segment just about him on the dvd of A Knights Tale. I used some of it in this video.

..................................................


..................................................

In Brokeback Mountain's dvd special feature - The Making of Brokeback Mountain - he says that he always likes to bare his soul a little bit...that it is theraputic.

..................................................

Making Of Brokeback Mountain
Uploaded by LoveLeeR. -

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Shekhar Kapur and Deepak Chopra talk about Heath

Ang Lee talks about Heath

It is apparent that when Heath was creating, he was most at home and comfortable. There had to be some internal struggle. The drugs, legal or not, didn't serve him well. What he could convey through the lens of a video camera came across as genuine and connected to my heart. Except for the joker in A Dark Knight and Ned Kelly. The humility, down-to-earth conversation, shyness and restlessness that came across in interviews couldn't help but show a side to Heath that showed him to be a mystery of complexity. I'll never understand Heath.

I do have keys to my soul.

...............................

Self-Knowledge ~ Kahlil Gibran

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."

And he answered, saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.

But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Having a Voice

by Sandra Hammel

I’ve found my voice

Never to be stilled again

Not going to live voiceless anymore, especially when it comes to you

The small kernel of courage to live out loud has emerged

and

It feels right,
it feels good,
it feels like home.

You’ve kept me quiet with nothing but my need to have you love me.

And now something has been unleashed within me

and my voice must speak
its truths

braving your total disregard

which seems nothing more than what’s been my lot anyway.

Nothing really to lose

but to gain,
oh,
I can’t even begin to imagine
what I have to gain.
But I anticipate the possibilities with no more sadness.
Excited.

In my life’s garden, I expect gladness, gratitude and shining bright colors blooming inside

BURSTING to get
out

This is where I have always wanted to be.

Now,
I’m here.

It’s great to be here,





home.


Written January 13, 2006