THINGS I LOVE ~ SUNSETS, CLOUDS, OCEAN, SINGING and HEATH

and COLOR . . . imagine a world of only black and white

I LOVE BEAUTY in any form

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RAFA UPDATE:
Novak Djokovic defeated Rafa Nadal in the semifinal in Paris
Saturday, November 14, 2009
2-6, 3-6

Photo credit of all pictures here should read (if copied):
Sandra Hammel, Rhode Island, 2009

All of the photos of my front yard
were taken this afternoon,
November 15, 2009, Sunday, around 4:30 p.m.

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This is nothing special
as I didn't spend much time making the video.
Just something I shot today and wanted to share.

It is a private video at Youtube, so no one can see it there. I just posted it here.

UDATE November 16, 9:30 a.m.
Johanna, a friend I met at youtube, has informed me by her comment below that this video is not viewable here. Therefore, I learned my first thing for today.

If you want to see it (unless I decide to make it public one day), then you have to become a "youtube official friend" and I then can make it available to you. I apologize for this inconvenience. I just didn't think this video merited youtube, as it is a humble presentation of mine.

Try this link private ~ it may also allow you to see it - would someone let me know, if indeed it works?

46 people came here between approximately 11:30 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. last night and obviously couldn't see the video. And I won't know how many since 3:00 a.m. have come here until tonight at 3:00 a.m.

I added pictures of Heath from Brokeback Mountain. One of my youtube videos is available to the whole world, but restricted from the USA due to my use of Brokeback Mountain clips. (And I love that video...a shame.) So, here I used photos that I retrieved online. Disappointed that the great flash of a smile from Heath as Ennis Del Mar isn't clear. But I love Heath's smile in that photo. Uploaded by ilovemylifesblog ~ November 15, 2009

All videography and photography I took today, November 15, 2009. Pictured in Rhode Island is Aquidneck Island's Sachuest Beach and Wildlife Refuge where I love to go for my heart and soul to commune with the universe. Map Quest for this area. The photo at the end was taken this afternoon on a gray day of leaves in my yard from my Japanese red maple tree that stands at my front door.

As I said, I love to go to Sachuest Wildlife Refuge in Middletown, Rhode Island, which is ten minutes from my home. I usually take my cameras. Tonight I only took my Kodak Share camera. It isn't a great camera and mainly is for still photos, however it can be used for movies. The zoom is jerky though which means it is useless pretty much for anything other than panning. And for some reason unknown to me it alternates between clarity and fuzzy focus on the video quality.

The video and photos do not really show what it was like there tonight. There was a mist rising, more than the typical energy in the waves and the accompanying sound was bold ~ the feeling of standing "in it" with it all encompassing me was other worldly. The tide was coming in and I stood a few feet from the inmost waves splashing on the rocks. It was heavenly.

The last couple of times I have gone to Sachuest, including tonight, I have taken my recorded music, my headphones and sing along with myself. Tonight, darkness came by 5:00 p.m., while I sang facing the waves of Sachuest on the Atlantic Ocean. I had a wonderful, vibrant time. At one point, I heard something sneeze and figured it had to be a deer. Do deer sneeze? Because I was a little bit afraid, I moved to the opposite side of the refuge's building and continued to sing. When a car was driving up the hill it stopped and in the headlights beaming across the refuge field, I saw the silhouette of a deer looking my way straightaway. When I drove down the hill, I stopped by the deer I saw, actually there were three there and later on the road home two more.

I sang a couple of my favorite songs: Go 'Way from My Window written by John Jacob Niles, a blues song and Peace Will Come a song from the 1960s written by Melanie Safka. Both of the songs I have written additional parts for. I love these songs.

Here on this video is the last song that I ended the nighttime singing . . . a song that I bought at itunes as a karaoke. The song is I Don't Want to Talk About It, but I changed the words to be sung about Heath Ledger. I originally heard this song sung by Rod Stewart. But it has gotten difficult at Youtube to know what songs will be allowed, so my solution has been to buy songs as karaoke once I fall for a song.

I'm working on my confidence to sing solo in public, so it is good practice to sing by the ocean. Others have subways and streets to do their singing. I sing at Sachuest. We have no subways and Newport doesn't allow singing in the parks and on the streets.

A couple of weeks ago, I was singing at the end of the day at the same spot. The sunset was simply stunning. Just glorious! My camera's battery was dead, so I could only soak it in my feelings. That night I went to get in the car to leave and I turned to see the sunset one last time. It had changed again and got even more beautiful, so I walked back to watch some more and sing. When I turned to walk to my car for the second time, a couple was standing at their car. The man with his hand leaning on the car looking my way. The woman at the passenger door also looking my way. They had been listening to me sing (There's a Chance) Peace Will Come. The man gave me a thumbs up. It was a great feeling to know that they paused to listen before they got into their car to drive away and go home. Especially, since I am shy about singing in public and here I didn't know anyone was listening. I was just enjoying singing.

My lyrics to I Don't Want to Talk About It

Can you tell by my face

I’m aching inside for so long,

And the stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you,

they’re a mirror.

I don’t want to think about it ~

how my heart is breaking

since your leaving that winter’s night

If I stay, won’t you listen to my heart?

If I stand here alone,

will the shadow hide the colors of my heart;


Blue for the tears,

black for the night’s fears.


The stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you,

they’re a mirror. 


I don’t want to talk about it,

how it breaks my heart.


If I live here

just a little bit longer,


If I stay, won’t you listen

for my heart?

Oh, my heart.

Can't you tell by my eyes

I been aching inside for so long

And the stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you,

they’re a mirror.

I don’t want to think about it, how my heart is broken,

How you left your mark on my heart,

If I stay here, won’t you listen for my heart,

whoa, my heart?

Oh, I miss you, please,

feel my heart.

Oh, my heart.

Can you tell by my face

I’m aching inside for so long,

And the stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you,

they’re a mirror.

I don’t want to think about it how my heart is breaking,

Since your leaving that winter’s night

If I stay, won’t you listen to my heart?

If I stand here alone,

will the shadow hide the colors of my heart;


Blue for the tears,

black for the night’s fears.


The stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you,

they’re a mirror. 


I don’t want to talk about it,

how it breaks my heart.


If I live here

just a little bit longer,


If I stay, won’t you listen

for my heart?

Oh, my heart.

UPDATE to this POST

November 16, 2009

12:40 a.m.

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I received this message at youtube today:

Not sure if you saw the first one, but this has more photos, and it has captions so you know what you are looking at. If you are interested in where Heath grew up, you'll enjoy this video of the stunning city of Perth!

PERTH--HEATH'S HOME-W/CAPTIONS

WATCH FULL SCREEN IN HQ! Included Heath's favorite beaches, The city where Heath's parents live and he last visited, Perth landmarks, Parks, Gardens, Cafe Strip, Fremantle, Australia Day Fireworks. The captions will tell you what you are looking at.

Uploaded by cryingforheath1

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Help us get "The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus" in our local theatres in the USA. It is our last chance to see Heath on screen in a new film. Don't let us be left out. Go to this link to Demand It

My youtube channel:
www.youtube.com/user/ilovemylifesblog

IT'S MAY - ROBERT SCHUMANN'S ART SONG ~ PAUL WARREN ALLEN CONDUCTOR ~ NORTH CENTRAL COLLEGE CHOIR

MEMORIES WORTH REMEMBERING

Music is my Refuge
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It's May ~ Robert Schumannn's Art Song ~ Paul Warren Allen, Conductor ~ North Central College
Uploaded by me

ilovemylifesblog

This text is from my Youtube sidebar:

This recording was done in the spring of 1968 in Naperville, Illinois, outside of Chicago at North Central College. Three years later the college eliminated the music department.

The women come in for the second Schumann Art Song which follows this song. The second song is Where'er My Tears Are Falling, followed with The Rose and The Lily.

I will be uploading more songs from this long playing (LP) record.

If you were a member of this choir, would you be willing to contact me? I would like to hear from you. If you have a song from the album that you would like posted here at Youtube, please let me know. You can leave a Channel Comment here:
www.youtube.com/user/ilovemylifesblog

or in the upper right corner of my individual video page, find the logo for an envelope and click on it, in order to send me a private message. It is found between "ilovemylifesblog" and "Sign In" or "Sign Out" (whichever is relevant).

Also, you may leave a comment below or email me here at my blog by clicking View My Complete Profile under the text on my sidebar of the About Me section.

I have talked to Maestro Paul Warren Allen's daughter. I sent a letter to him in January 2010 and she called me. He is 96 years old. And later, I received a note that he heard the youtube video. I have since posted another video - The Eyes of All Wait Upon Thee - which I may eventually repost to correct the size. Until then, the link.

The second upload is up.

Here is an excerpt from Naperville Chorus...
In the 1960's Dr. Paul Warren Allen of the North Central College Music Department melded the vocal talents of students, college personnel, and community members into a forerunner of the Naperville Chorus. The NCC-Community Chorus flourished and performed contemporary and traditional choral works until 1971, when financial cutbacks at the college eliminated the Music Department.

Photos, except for ten (4 of children, 4 of birds and 2 of woods' scenes), are from my yard in Rhode Island, nearby where I live on Aquidneck Island and photos of flowers I took at the National Botanical Gardens in Washington, D.C (where I have lobbied four times for Darfur, in addition to several times in the US RI Senators and Representative offices in Rhode Island).

One of my blog posts regarding Darfur:

PROVIDENCE OLYMPIC TORCH RELAY ON BEHALF OF DARFUR AND SPEAKING TO CHINA:
ilovemylifebrothersandsisters.blogspot.com/2007/10

The video portion within the Youtube video is from the movie "The Four Feathers". The actors are Heath Ledger and Kate Hudson.
Other youtube videos of mine featuring The Four Feathers...
HEATH LEDGER ~ THE FOUR FEATHERS ~ TRIBUTE TO FRIENDSHIP, COURAGE AND INTEGRITY ~ BROKEN ARROW

and
HEATH LOVE ~ For the FirstTime ~ Lover's Such As I
(this one is only viewable OUTside the USA)

The picture of me included in the video on my parents' lawn is the day I graduated from college at Huntington College ~ after I transferred from North Central College mid-way through my junior (third) year. Going to Huntington College is what eventually led me to live in New England the whole of my adult life. I love it here.


I am a bit tired as the Youtube video and me were up all night...not uncommon for me, while creating youtube videos...so no sympathy needed .

I just went through boxes of memorabilia I have kept over my lifetime...what a ball! I found some very interesting things. No one should have this much fun. Or maybe, everyone should.

I did find a bonanza....when I was a freshman I got mono in the spring of 1968. And many of the NCC choir members - 39 - signed a "get well" card to me before going on choir tour. And I still have it! The back of the LP album says there are 60 members and I count 61 in the picture on the back of the album (which matches the one in the 1968 yearbook/Spectrum).

I have many terrific pictures from the NCC 1967 music camp of students, Prof Allen and *Prof Izzo, also of **Prof Marian Schapp, and other music people and experiences. And I have a specially typed note to me from Paul Warren Allen asking me to sing in his Swedish Chorus in Chicago,*a personal note in a "get well" card which is precious from Bernard Izzo - a vocal NCC prof and Chicago opera singer, along with **many handwritten notes from Marian Schapp - my piano professor - from when I transferred from NCC to HC near my home in Indiana midway through my junior year.

So special and heart-warming for me.

A special picture of Conductor Paul Warren Allen by the pool at music camp before the freshman year started, standing beside a bathing-trunks-wearing svelte Professor/Chicago Opera Singer, Bernard Izzo. Do I dare post it on my blog?

Hmmm, so tempting....

This student, Paul K. Ferington, conducted while at North Central College for Prof Allen.
Paul is pictured here in this article.

Also pictured in the second picture here. and at Buffalo News ~ Niagara County
now married to Karen

North Central College Choir 1967-68

I am the fifth person from the right in the front row.
Karen is behind me, the sixth person from the right in the second row.
Click on the picture and it will enlarge.

A click on this post's title will take you to North Central College's website and specifically the alumni page.

North Central College Choir ~ Year 1968 ~ Members

38 of 61 members' names were retrieved from a "Get Well" card to me in spring of 1968

By cross referencing my 1970 yearbook which has a list of choir members (though there are some obvious mistakes found when I cross referenced the list with the same yearbook's indexed names in the back of the book), I came up with a list for the 1968 choir as follows:

Choir member list is still incomplete, however.

Laurie Batha

Marsha Benton

Dan Berger

‘Nita Bohnsack

Pat Bruns

Bob Buckley

Cathi Bertram

Mindy Cody

Larry Cooper

Joan Crosby

Sara Ebert

Joe Enich

Paul K. Ferington

Jackson Ferch

Geof. Geither or Guiter

Sandra Kay Hammel

Dennis Huff

Jim Knol

Karen Kosloske

Virginia Marek

Linda Mootz

Al Murphy

Nancy Myers

Lois Newcomb

Verilyn Potthoff

Sandra Schaeffer

Lydia Schmidt, piano accompanist in the video above

Sue Schwen

Barb Shiffler

Bob Stevens

Oliver J. Taylor

Julie Tunison

Sue Wayo

Lois Wedell

Doug Wilkie

Marlene Yenerich

Cindy Young

Eildert Zwart

UPDATE November 6, Friday, 2009 at 7:30 p.m. USA EST

Kim, the North Central College archivist, has tracked down the 1968 Choir Christmas Program's inside and emailed it to me this evening:

and also Kim sent the 1969 Choir Personnel list:

Click on the images to enlarge.

"Big Thanks" to Kim!

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See what was happening in 1968 the year this music was recorded.

Here are some of the things that happened:

* April 4 Martin Luther King, Jr. is shot dead at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee. Riots erupt in major American cities for several days afterward.


* April 11 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1968.


* April 20 Pierre Elliott Trudeau becomes Canada's 15th Prime Minister.


* April 20 English politician Enoch Powell makes his controversial Rivers of Blood Speech.


* April 23 President Mobutu releases captured mercenaries in the Congo.


* April 23 Surgeons at the Hôpital de la Pitié, Paris, perform Europe's first heart transplant, on Clovis Roblain.


* April 23 The United Methodist Church is created by the union of the former Methodist and Evangelical United Brethren churches.


* April 23 Thirty Vietnam War: Student protesters at Columbia University in New York City take over administration buildings and shut down the university (see main article Columbia University protests of 1968).


* April 29 The musical Hair officially opens on Broadway.


* June 5 U.S. presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy is shot at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles, California by Sirhan Sirhan. Kennedy dies from his injuries the next day.


* June 8 James Earl Ray is arrested for the murder of Martin Luther King Jr.


* July 1 The Central Intelligence Agency's Phoenix Program is officially established.


* July 1 The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty opens for signature.


* July 4 Yachtsman Alec Rose, 59, receives a hero's welcome as he sails into Portsmouth, England after his 354-day round-the-world trip.


* July 17 Saddam Hussein becomes Vice Chairman of the Revolutionary Council in Iraq after a coup d'état.

POETRY BY SANDRA HAMMEL ~ BEAUTY CAN BE ETERNITY IN A MOMENT

Beauty Once Known

Beauty

which stirs unknown depths

Once known is sufficient

to spend a day, night

and eternity

searching for

one more moment of such

j o y

of

one

more

eternity-in-a-moment

of Life meeting itself.

By Sandra Hammel

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Heath Ledger in The Four Feathers
A wonderful film.
Heath Ledger
Uploaded by Cliffy4479

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I can't help it. I am in this Heath Ledger groove. I just "watched" the most interesting radio interview with Heath done December 3, 2007 posted on Youtube in three parts.

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Part 1
Uploaded by springrose147

Stephen Schaefer:

Brokeback Mountain really was, you know, in some ways was a career peak, so, or in many ways. Did it really change things for you, in the way you looked at yourself, or, uh the way you felt what you were able to then go do? …as an actor, in terms of what Hollywood would offer you?

Heath:

Yeah, yeah, yes, it did. Um, I’d like to not to think of it as a peak (laughs) cause I’m only 28, I have a few years."

Schaefer: You can have many peaks.

Heath: Oh, okay, good.

Schaefer: There are peaks and they’re valleys.

Heath: That’s true, true. Okay, um,

Schaefer: One of many career peaks.

Heath: Hopefully. Um, but yeah, it um, I get, yeah it did on many levels, I think personally it did too. I, I um, I’d been looking, I always look for things that challenge me and, and duh, and dum and teach me and, and teach me and, and to be more understanding, accepting human being, an actor and, and, and dum and that was a real task, there were a lot of obstacles and um.

You know, I, uh, I don’t think it was, I don’t think you can say it’s being brave or being courageous. It’s just, you know, uh, I just think it’s being honest, understanding, accepting of myself, and of the story, of the character. It did teach me a lot about that. And about your power. To believe. And, and um. so-o, you know, I-I on a personal level got a lot out of it. And uh, um. And definitely, it, it, uh, um, uh, you know it opened some doors. You know, people are uh, somewhat utterly trusting me more now. (Laughs) Which, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, for them. But, um you know, it’s um..so

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Part 2
Uploaded by springrose147

Included in this portion is this quote by Heath at 7:06 :

"...and dum, and then I do the Terrence Malik, movie right after that, then um The Tree of Life and then I um, and then I, I'll drop to the ground dead (laughs, Schaefer joins Heath in laughter) for a year...and duh, hybenate...um, mmm".

Transcription of Heath’s answering

The following answer begins at 7:45

Heath: Yeah, I, I guess so. I-I guess you’d… you know, I don’t know whether it’s optimism or just kind of um, I..you know, it’s...

Sometimes , you just, you-you have to kind of throw away the care, like you have to not be too conscious of what will be a success and what won’t be. Uh, cause you really – that’s out of your power. And, and, like I said, look what is success? And um, uh, so I, you know I just, I- I try to look at what I feel like…the, the

Cause for me, like, what a success is – is, I mean the only time that I’m alive, and living and expressing and feeling, and, and relating is, is, is when I’m on set and that time between “action” and “cut” and so that’s the only thing that’s really important is how that experience is, and, and how that experience will affect my life and what I have to give from my life to that experience. And everything that happens after that – is just irrelevant. You know, it’s

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Part 3

At 3:33, Stephen Schaefer chooses to follow the interview with the Bob Dylan song, "and now as we rock on out, we're going to be doing Antony and the Johnsons version of

Knockin' on Heavens' Door"

~ Oh, God! ! ~

Uploaded by springrose147

Heath: is, is when I’m on set and that time between “action” and “cut” and so that’s the only thing that’s really important is how that experience is, and, and how that experience will affect my life and what I have to give from my life to that experience. And everything that happens after that – is just irrelevant. You know, it’s (transcription above repeated from Part 2 here on Part 3)

kind of um, if it’s a success, great, if it’s not, great, fine. You know, it’s um, it affects you, or it doesn’t.

But it’s, that shouldn’t in my, my mind, it shouldn’t kind dictate what your choices. Um, I, I –I just want to enjoy myself. I want to learn more. I want to work with good people. Um, creatively and as people who really just good people.

And duh, uh, so that, that, that drives me more than, then, well you know Terry had a really hard time on Brothers Grimm and you know, uh for some odd reason is finding it hard to get his next movie up and running. Oh, w-w, that’s too risky, I can’t be involved with that. No, no it’s like he’s one of the most creative, most visionary minds of, of, ever, in film history. I – I – I and a wonderful figure in my life. And had done a lot for me and cast me in The Brothers Grimm, when no one wanted to work with me at that stage of career. And, and, and uh, you know the company even once Terry brought me on board didn’t want me in the film and wanted to replace me and Terry said “No! I won’t do the movie without him for some odd reason.

Schaefer: Jesus, who knew?! Oh, God.

Heath: Yeah, you know, he, he’d given a lot to me and like if I can do anything to help him out then, then I will and dum, and so, you know, that’s the reason why.

Heath talks about the life of moving between staying home and working in films.

Schaefer: And final question.

And uh, this is something, you know, we ask actresses more often than actors. How do you find trying to have a balance then between your personal life and your professional life? With, you know, is it difficult, we see in the Dylan movie, the part you’re playing, that his personal life seems to really suffer from it. The celebrity.

Heath: Yeah, yeah it is difficult, but um, I mean, I can’t, I think my struggles are different to Robbie’s, I- I, but yeah, it is, but, it’s, it’s kind of heartbreaking in a sense – like having to-o, the inconsistency of your social life –

kind of clocking in, checking in with your friends, and getting back a routine with your family, and, and life and kind of doing the washing, doing the dishes, maintaining your household, uh, commuting, uh, and then that just being chopped off and having three weeks go to London and, and work through Christmas and act in Vancouver and work to Martin and go off to Austin, Texas, and work there for three months then you’re away from them and everything for seven months and then you then you come back and try to rekindle it again, only to have it taken away, a year later. And, and it can be really tiring, it can be really lonely.

It can be (exhales) all these things, but, but, but we still do it. Like it’s because, you know, it’s what we love, it’s something that drives us to it. Or away from it. Or you know, there’s a fascination, an addiction to the lifestyle as well, I think, um. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword, I believe. Um, you know. Cause part of you wants to stay home and do nothing for the rest of your life, but as soon as you’re there, you want to get out and start working.

Schaefer laughs, then Heath joins him) You know?

Schaefer, Yeah.

Okay, this is Stephen Schaefer for WPS1 Beyond the Subtitles.
So long, farewell and “Thank You, Heath Ledger”.

Heath: Thank You, Stephen.

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This interview is precious and priceless. Heath is comfortable and relaxed in this interview. Stephen and Heath appear to be friends, here. What a pleasure to hear Heath in this 3 part interview that springrose147 has blessed us with. It is just so hard to deal with the sorrow to have him gone. Not unlike many around the world, I connected with Heath though I didn't "know" him. But Heath connected through his integrity, minus the pretense and hype. Just by being Heath.

Heath, without knowing, left many with an indelible mark. We never forget those who put us in touch with our own souls.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS ~ THE WATER IS WIDE

I love you. Whoever reads this, I don't care that I don't know you ~ I can love you. May you find peace in your spirit. If you don't have joy, I can give you mine.

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The Water is Wide

This is one of my favorite songs. It is plaintive, soothing while at the same time, sad. If we live and haven't felt these feelings, we have missed a wonderful experience. The words have been slightly altered in many versions, but the music has stayed the same.

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The Water Is Wide


The Water is Wide
Sung by Indigo Girls, Sarah MacLachlan and Jewel

Joy, Peace, Happiness, Contentment, Be in Love

HUMANS WHO MAKE ME PROUD TO BE HUMAN

Oh, my goodness!! Another place to get videos other than the world of youtube. Thanks Red7Eric. I wish I knew how Eric does his links just by one word and not the whole address. Anyway, this is great audio and visual quality:
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Luciano Pavarotti - Nessun Dorma
Uploaded by Luciano-Pavarotti

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http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2psw1_luciano-pavarotti-nessun-dorma_events

I remember how it felt when I was in Europe my first time - all on the encouragement of Peter. I went alone for 6 weeks and no plans really - just a Eurailpass. The train stopped at Avignon, France at the end of the day and I got off. Boys and girls, was I surprised to find myself in the middle of their glorious festival. I felt then - "I love being a part of this human race!" Some stranger walked by me one dark night in the plaza and said "Do you want to see something magnificent?" I followed him inside an outside performance area and sat in the aisle floor - and there I was lifted up to this wonderful place of pure delight and joy - the National Cuban Ballet Company was performing jazz dancing. I will never forget that moment, that night and the feeling. Thanks to someone I never saw again who let me in for nothing. Nothing but my gratitude that he never heard.

Anyway, I thought of that when I saw this video of Luciano Pavarotti conducted by Zubin Mehta. I hope you have a moment in your life like mine sometime. Those are the moments that life becomes LIFE!

http://red7eric.blogspot.com/

IT’S TAKEN A LONG TIME TO BE ME

THIS IS WHERE I AM – THIS IS WHERE I LIVE

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I love my life.

I am so alive.

I walk around my house, feeling so fulfilled and grin. I can’t keep from bursting outloud “I love my life”.

It has not been this way a lot of my life.

I’ve been “here” before. But this time, I’m so fully conscious of it and why.

There were people in my life that kept me from me.

Trying to please them took me away from being pleased with myself, my life.

My mother for one.

I had to find how to think about the mother that has openly judged me as a failure of a Christian, and a success of living a sinful life - my entire adult life. My mother is a bottomless unpleasable pit for me. She’s unhappy with me,

even though I am so thoroughly happy with myself and my life.

Even a mother can be a stumbling block.

And mine was.

Until August 8, 2006.

It is like I found myself born finally.

Finally able to know what I felt about her behavior toward my father. And toward me.

Finally able to face her and not let her twist my insides with her manipulating ways.

Finally able to separate what I believed about myself from what despicable person she said I am.

I found I couldn’t please her and me with the same life, the same me.

So I have gone with the woman that I want to be and am . . . and left her view of me - with her.

I have been happy ever since.

My last relationship with a man:

For fifteen years we lived together.

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We met in Bermuda just after I was leaving an abusive relationship. The kind that involves physical abuse cycled with profuse, seemingly heartfelt apologies and promises to stop.

Getting into relationships is easily mindless. It’s getting out of them that has always been difficult for me. Because making something work -even though it was implausible with open eyes - wasn’t something that I gave up on. And I never was able to think about my own well - being over the hurt that I saw the man in. But this last thing never seemed to bother the man in my last relationship. A hint of one of his tears would melt my heart and keep me from thinking clearly. But I could live in forced silence from him for a week or cry for hours and he would simply walk away. It is much more lonely to live in a relationship like this than to live with a beautiful relationship with myself I experience. I needed to learn the lesson that if something isn't working, it's okay to leave.

Even though, he appeared to not be confining. He certainly was. I was spiritually looking for his soul, but it was never available to me. I don’t think to him, either. I was emotionally starving. Starving to find any moment to feel a connection to him. I was dying inside.

When you are dying before your death is anywhere close, you are in trouble.

I was in trouble.

And now, I am not.

I am so vibrantly alive. I feel full, I feel excited.

When people in your life keep you from who you are – you can’t possibly be happy.

Others don’t bring happiness to your life. You do. But they can block you from your happiness.

I shed that baggage

and

have never felt so good. So completely full of emotion. So colorful.

This is a glorious place to be in my life.

I’m sad that these relationships are broken and missing,

but I give them their lives, as they choose them,

and I have not attached strings to them.

I have no control over them.

I can’t change our barren relationships.

I can’t rescue something that isn’t there - with people who are so fragmented

and living in emotional denial.

I don’t like living in denial. I never did.

I can’t stand pretentious people. Never did.

“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.

The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”

Marcus Aurelius

“When someone shows you who they are – believe them.” Maya Angelou

“When someone takes you away from you – walk away.” Sandra Hammel

Life is a spiritual experience for me.

I love my spirit.

I love the Greater Spirit I am part of.

I love all spirits

who are free to love back . . .

. . . who throw their “joy of life” out for all to walk in the glow of . . .

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

radiating out all that they are, have become.

This is where I live.

In the radiance of all the good in humankind and all things good,

true and willing to find the life of celebration.

This is where I am.

Life is Music to Me

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

Life is Dance to Me

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

Life is Drama to Me

Life is Color to Me

………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………….

Life loves truth

This is Where I AM . . .

. . . in this glory of Life

Celebrating Life as a Good Thing

and open to abundance.

You are welcome to come sing with me,

to come share the joy and dance with me

You can see the joy, delight and contentment in my eyes.

I invite you to live in what our eyes find in one another’s eyes.

I invite you to make love with our eyes, our hearts,

our unbridled exploratory touching…

…abandon time and caged up emotions

that have kept us prisoners way too long,

once upon a time.

No one can hold me anymore from being me with all the stops pulled full out.

This is where I live my life, now.

Free of my mother’s judgments, free of fear that she won’t approve of me or won’t like me.

This is where I am.

NOW.

………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

You could be here, too.

But I can’t take you here.

I can only be here.

No more denying who I was born to be.

I stand tall here

in the light

in my truth.

To my mother:

Walking into your presence

still gives my breath halting, choppy breathing,

but

I am strong enough now to keep all of me

in tact

and

leave your presence with a renewed energy and self-awareness

that I am still whole upon leaving you.

You’ve stolen my wholeness in my life, until now.

Today is different

and

I stand alone, but whole.

As sorry as I am that we have no connection,

no relating between us –

I can live “here” now

and be fully alive

with or without you.

To life, I say

Thanks!

And to all who can see me

and not attempt to kill bits of me – thank you!

All in us is open

and all is open to us.

Wow.

I love my life.

It’s true.

It’s genuine.

It’s joyful.

It’s my bliss.

It is Divine.

Life meeting LIFE and complementing the other.

This is living the way I am sure it was meant to be when we were created.

What fun to be alive.

I wish you all this and more.

Be true to your self.

Only you can do this for you.

That’s the beauty in it –

It’s all within your power.

And once you have it

NO one can take it way.

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Genocide Should Be Made History

Join the "Fidelity Out of Sudan" Campaign
www.FidelityOutOfSudan.com

www.sudandivestment.org
www.ajws.org

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