HAVE YOU TAKEN A RISK TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART'S DESIRE?

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"To believe in God is to know the thing you are shall make you live and it will never make you do anything less."
from Joseph Pintauro's little book To Believe in God

I LIKE THE IDEA THAT IT IS OUR JOB TO BE HAPPY

In my post Taking A Turn Toward Bliss (near the bottom) I shared a fear of mine. Have you ever wanted to do something, but didn't do it? You did other things, mundane things, things because they were put on a list, but the thing you really wanted to do was never put on a list. So it was always something you wanted to do. But you never did it.

Or you tried once or twice and it never went any further.

For me, singing in public is it. I want to do it. But my mind plays with me and then my body responds to the mind telling me all sorts of things that tie me up on the inside. Here is a quote from the previous post:

"...They are just people looking at me, but they scare the living daylights out of me. It is not something I can pretend to overcome. Breathing and relaxing the throat muscles is my mountain to overcome. Wouldn’t it be great to actually overcome this and feel the freedom from the fear? If that day ever happens, I’ll get back to you. I would relish that I did this.

You don’t know if you don’t try."

Well, I tried again today. I hadn't even planned doing it, until last night when my son said he wasn't coming over and my Sunday afternoon opened up. I practiced three days this past week, but not for long. So I didn't feel I had paid the price enough to risk embarrassing myself twice in a row. Well after sitting there at the coffee house waiting my turn to perform three songs, it was finally my turn after two and half hours. By that time the late night blogging the night before and getting up to watch Rafa Nadal lose the final in Rotterdam Sunday morning (he was playing injured unfortunately) started to take the zest out of me. I felt more like I wanted to take a nap than test drive my nerves again. This was only the second time that I have ventured out on the singing limb and since the first time was a disaster, I knew it could be a repeat performance of a disaster.

I looked at the list and knew I was next. My heart started doing its usual racing. My mind was trying to find something to think about to bring me to some place of possible...hmmm....attitude of "let's have some fun"...my internal talk of "it's you and the music" - all the stuff that works at home in front of the furniture and pretend "out in public scenarios". But then I get in front of real people and the doubts take over. .. You're not good enough. Who do you think you are - putting yourself front and center? Your voice will probably fail you again. I can't even remember all the crap that enters my mind and makes me feel that I am some "other" kind of person and only those I watch have the right to be on the stage. Until I actually open my mouth and go for the singing, I just never know what is going to come out.

Well, today was not a disaster. People, several people were actually encouraging. I was sort of out of my mind in a way, because I think I remember what people said to me right after, but I find it hard to believe. There were some "woots", people seemed to get into the rhythm and mood of the songs. The emcee said something very positive in front of the audience and told me to keep coming back. As I was walking off the "stage" one young man, asked me if I had fun - he felt it looked like I did. A husband and wife both gave me positive nods as I walked off. All in all, I thougth they liked my performance. It wasn't perfect. I knew it wouldn't be. I never know which mistakes I am going to make, but I gave up expecting perfection when I began this little trip down my dreams.

The follow-up reactions during the remainder of show were basically warm and encouraging. There was only one strange reaction. The thing is it can't matter what others think as much as the feeling that I came away with. I felt pretty good. Relieved that I could keep trying this and it just might get easier and the more I relax, I know the better I will perform. Big improvement over the first time I sang recently. Huge really. But then I needed huge. It was so bad the first time. Embarrassing.

My voice at least sounded mostly like well... me, today. Nothing great. But I let the music inside me. And I let it play through me. That is my goal. My favorite singers are those who don't perform the music but let the music perform them. If that makes any sense.

So, what a relief. It wasn't a disaster. And it actually felt good.

I played my keyboard and sang "Morning Train" an upbeat, rhythmic song in f minor. And I performed a song I composed called "Mom's Blues". And I finished with John Jacob Niles song, "Go 'Way from My Window" - a traditional blues, which I added a tag on the end.

And what was also terrific was my son called me just as I was unloading the car, to say he could come over for a short visit. He took my picture.

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My advice about pictures:
Have lots of pictures taken of yourself
when you are young.
It is hard to get a good picture of yourself "later on".
I'm in my "later on".
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In His Own Words - Gerard Butler
There is no embed, so...the solution is to go to the link.
A tribute to the actor

Subscribe

Uploaded by LostLover420
My comment left at this video on Youtube:
The Music, The Collection of Pictures and Quotes - make a stunning video. What I like about Gerry is his zest for life - like he enjoys living in a candy store - I never fail to smile when I watch these videos made by his fans.
Great job! Definitely 5 stars for you.
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"To believe in God is to be one of those kids who just refuses to grow up
and get older and older and die forever."
from Joseph Pintauro's little book To Believe in God

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"Peace will not work
if just one man alive
is unjust
if one man alive is ignorant or hungry or crazy or ashamed .
For we have seen
if only one of us
decides to pull the plug,
the millions of us can kiss the world good bye
whether we like it or not. .."
from Joseph Pintauro's little book To Believe in Man

Call President Obama at 202-456-1111
or 1-800-GENOCIDE
and pressure him to immediately take steps
to ensure the protection of civilians in Darfur!

An example of your phone call text can be found below.
It is encouraged that you make it personally your message. *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And call the USA Secretary of State

The USA State Department public comment line works 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Please, call as soon as possible.

Call the State Department's public comment line 24/7 at 202-647-6575

The White House (9 AM - 5 PM EST weekdays) at 202-456-1111

or 1-800-GENOCIDE with a similar message as the one below.

If you have called already, please call again:

* I'm calling to ask President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton and Ambassador Rice to protect innocent civilians in Darfur in the wake of Bashir's arrest warrant. Please issue immediate warnings to Bashir and the government of Sudan specifying consequences of attacks on civilians. Please also prepare an emergency response plan to address further violence and appoint a full-time senior level envoy. Lastly, please stand firm in support of the ICC indictment and veto any delay in the prosecution of Bashir.

Call your Senators and Representative Today!

Find your elected politicians contact information at this link:

http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Genocide Ends

When Enough of Us

Stand Up Against It

JOIN US
1-800-GENOCIDE
www.savedarfur.org
www.genocideintervention.net
www.standnow.org

www.miafarrow.org


Write President Obama
www.whitehouse.gov
You can also call or write to the President:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Comments to President Obama: 202-456-1111

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF NOT,

THEN,

YOUR SILENCE

CONTRIBUTES

TO

ANOTHER

GENOCIDE.

www.savedarfur.org/content

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS ~ THE WATER IS WIDE

I love you. Whoever reads this, I don't care that I don't know you ~ I can love you. May you find peace in your spirit. If you don't have joy, I can give you mine.

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The Water is Wide

This is one of my favorite songs. It is plaintive, soothing while at the same time, sad. If we live and haven't felt these feelings, we have missed a wonderful experience. The words have been slightly altered in many versions, but the music has stayed the same.

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The Water Is Wide


The Water is Wide
Sung by Indigo Girls, Sarah MacLachlan and Jewel

Joy, Peace, Happiness, Contentment, Be in Love

IT’S TAKEN A LONG TIME TO BE ME

THIS IS WHERE I AM – THIS IS WHERE I LIVE

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I love my life.

I am so alive.

I walk around my house, feeling so fulfilled and grin. I can’t keep from bursting outloud “I love my life”.

It has not been this way a lot of my life.

I’ve been “here” before. But this time, I’m so fully conscious of it and why.

There were people in my life that kept me from me.

Trying to please them took me away from being pleased with myself, my life.

My mother for one.

I had to find how to think about the mother that has openly judged me as a failure of a Christian, and a success of living a sinful life - my entire adult life. My mother is a bottomless unpleasable pit for me. She’s unhappy with me,

even though I am so thoroughly happy with myself and my life.

Even a mother can be a stumbling block.

And mine was.

Until August 8, 2006.

It is like I found myself born finally.

Finally able to know what I felt about her behavior toward my father. And toward me.

Finally able to face her and not let her twist my insides with her manipulating ways.

Finally able to separate what I believed about myself from what despicable person she said I am.

I found I couldn’t please her and me with the same life, the same me.

So I have gone with the woman that I want to be and am . . . and left her view of me - with her.

I have been happy ever since.

My last relationship with a man:

For fifteen years we lived together.

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We met in Bermuda just after I was leaving an abusive relationship. The kind that involves physical abuse cycled with profuse, seemingly heartfelt apologies and promises to stop.

Getting into relationships is easily mindless. It’s getting out of them that has always been difficult for me. Because making something work -even though it was implausible with open eyes - wasn’t something that I gave up on. And I never was able to think about my own well - being over the hurt that I saw the man in. But this last thing never seemed to bother the man in my last relationship. A hint of one of his tears would melt my heart and keep me from thinking clearly. But I could live in forced silence from him for a week or cry for hours and he would simply walk away. It is much more lonely to live in a relationship like this than to live with a beautiful relationship with myself I experience. I needed to learn the lesson that if something isn't working, it's okay to leave.

Even though, he appeared to not be confining. He certainly was. I was spiritually looking for his soul, but it was never available to me. I don’t think to him, either. I was emotionally starving. Starving to find any moment to feel a connection to him. I was dying inside.

When you are dying before your death is anywhere close, you are in trouble.

I was in trouble.

And now, I am not.

I am so vibrantly alive. I feel full, I feel excited.

When people in your life keep you from who you are – you can’t possibly be happy.

Others don’t bring happiness to your life. You do. But they can block you from your happiness.

I shed that baggage

and

have never felt so good. So completely full of emotion. So colorful.

This is a glorious place to be in my life.

I’m sad that these relationships are broken and missing,

but I give them their lives, as they choose them,

and I have not attached strings to them.

I have no control over them.

I can’t change our barren relationships.

I can’t rescue something that isn’t there - with people who are so fragmented

and living in emotional denial.

I don’t like living in denial. I never did.

I can’t stand pretentious people. Never did.

“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.

The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”

Marcus Aurelius

“When someone shows you who they are – believe them.” Maya Angelou

“When someone takes you away from you – walk away.” Sandra Hammel

Life is a spiritual experience for me.

I love my spirit.

I love the Greater Spirit I am part of.

I love all spirits

who are free to love back . . .

. . . who throw their “joy of life” out for all to walk in the glow of . . .

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

radiating out all that they are, have become.

This is where I live.

In the radiance of all the good in humankind and all things good,

true and willing to find the life of celebration.

This is where I am.

Life is Music to Me

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

Life is Dance to Me

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………….

Life is Drama to Me

Life is Color to Me

………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………….

Life loves truth

This is Where I AM . . .

. . . in this glory of Life

Celebrating Life as a Good Thing

and open to abundance.

You are welcome to come sing with me,

to come share the joy and dance with me

You can see the joy, delight and contentment in my eyes.

I invite you to live in what our eyes find in one another’s eyes.

I invite you to make love with our eyes, our hearts,

our unbridled exploratory touching…

…abandon time and caged up emotions

that have kept us prisoners way too long,

once upon a time.

No one can hold me anymore from being me with all the stops pulled full out.

This is where I live my life, now.

Free of my mother’s judgments, free of fear that she won’t approve of me or won’t like me.

This is where I am.

NOW.

………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

You could be here, too.

But I can’t take you here.

I can only be here.

No more denying who I was born to be.

I stand tall here

in the light

in my truth.

To my mother:

Walking into your presence

still gives my breath halting, choppy breathing,

but

I am strong enough now to keep all of me

in tact

and

leave your presence with a renewed energy and self-awareness

that I am still whole upon leaving you.

You’ve stolen my wholeness in my life, until now.

Today is different

and

I stand alone, but whole.

As sorry as I am that we have no connection,

no relating between us –

I can live “here” now

and be fully alive

with or without you.

To life, I say

Thanks!

And to all who can see me

and not attempt to kill bits of me – thank you!

All in us is open

and all is open to us.

Wow.

I love my life.

It’s true.

It’s genuine.

It’s joyful.

It’s my bliss.

It is Divine.

Life meeting LIFE and complementing the other.

This is living the way I am sure it was meant to be when we were created.

What fun to be alive.

I wish you all this and more.

Be true to your self.

Only you can do this for you.

That’s the beauty in it –

It’s all within your power.

And once you have it

NO one can take it way.

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Genocide Should Be Made History

Join the "Fidelity Out of Sudan" Campaign
www.FidelityOutOfSudan.com

www.sudandivestment.org
www.ajws.org

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