Tuesday, February 27, 2007


My Favorite Television Show and a scene to break Kevin and Chad up.

I happen to love an American television show that began September 24, 2006. It airs on Sunday evenings, on ABC at 10:00 p.m. The show, Brothers and Sisters, is the creation of Jon Robin Baitz. Robbie Baitz is openly gay and committed to himself and to the viewers that he would not avoid dealing openly and honestly with all of the characters on the show which includes one adult gay male as a part of a large family. Kevin Walker is the character who plays the man who shows us into Robbie’s journey. He is played believably and exceptionally well by Welsh actor Matthew Rhys (pronounced rees). For many of us Matthew is our favorite actor on the show although the entire cast is richly talented. Kevin is an attorney. I know, I for one, love Kevin because of how Matthew Rhys portrays Kevin. Though Kevin is not gay in real life, he has no problem with all that is required to sincerely come across as gay with his acting and willingness to commit to all that Kevin is. Kevin was introduced to us last fall as having an ex-boyfriend’s picture in his law office, while meeting his new beau friend, Scotty Wandell. I love Kevin and Scotty together because they seem to have warmth that exudes from themselves to the other. It’s a kind of magical charm that sends sparks out from the television screen. There is a synergy between Matthew Rhys, who plays Kevin Walker, and Luke MacFarlane, who plays Scotty Wandell – where the sum of what each is becomes another whole entity when on the screen together. Sadly, Kevin and Scotty had some quirky little arguments and they have been estranged from one another except for one night when they had been set up as a blind date one for the other. However, this was also during a time when Kevin had been dating another man who was not openly gay and was squeezing Kevin back into the dreaded “don’t ask, don’t tell” invisible existence. And it hurts Kevin. Chad is soon to rock Kevin’s world. And NOT in a good way.

Below I have written (in a about 15 minutes) a fan fiction of the scene that Chad and Kevin take their tattered loose ends of a relationship and cut the ties that bind them. Falling in love is the easy part. Breaking up is the cruelest part of a love and life affair that built you up to let you down. I have two songs included here from Youtube that I have selected. I have included the lyrics for you to read how appropriate the song is for this multilayered chapter of Kevin’s love life. Of course, it is difficult to find a song with the right pronouns, you know, "he" in place of "she", so you’ll have to substitute in your thinking “he” for all of the “she” pronouns. But either one of these songs works for me, as background music for this little scene of emotional pain and dis-ease. I’ve been “there” more than once in my life. It just plain sucks you lifeless in one way and yet if you feel the pain – you KNOW you’re alive. So in that sense, I learned to be grateful for feeling the pain.


"I'm Gonna Find Another You"

by John Mayer

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope he looks like you
Yeah and he's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you


Just ignore the video of the SVU TV show and simply use the music as background to the scene.

“Dreaming With A Broken Heart”
by John Mayer

When you're dreamin with a broken heart
The wakin up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breath

wonderin was he really here
is he standin in my room
no he's not, cuz he's
gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreamin with a broken heart
The givin up is the hardest part
he takes you in with his cryin eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye

wonderin could you stay my love
will you wake up by my side
no he can't, cuz he's
gone gone gone gone gone

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand
baby would you get them if i did
no you wont, cuz your
gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreamin with a broken heart
the wakin up is the hardest part

The Scene: It’s Over

Chad calls Kevin on Friday afternoon, when they had plans to go to dinner and spend the night together. It’s a rainy, very, very windy and gray day with ominous clouds. A storm is brewing.

Chad: Kev, I-I have to talk to you before tonight. Something is wrong and I … I don’t… want to hurt you.

Kevin: What, Chad, you’ve changed your mind.

Chad: It’s not that simple.

Kevin: Yeah, Chad it’s simple. Truth is truth. You’d rather run from it.

Chad: No. No. Kevin. I…I just have to sort things out. I’ve never felt this way before. And you’re the rea-

Kevin: Just… stop, Chad. You take my heart, work it around in your hands like I’m putty. Chew me up and spit me out. Look, Chad…

Chad: Kevin, don’t do thi-

Kevin: Don’t do what…tell you the truth?

Chad: I have real strong feelings for you.

Kevin: You’re rich Chad. What you have is confusion. Confusion on who you are. I know because, I’ve had my times. But…

Chad: Kevin, can I see you and talk this through.

Kevin: (firmly, with resolve) No. I wanted to love you. But the you I want to love is not there. You’re floundering around playing around with what Chad to be and while you’re doing that you’re playing around with my heart.

Chad: But Kev…

Kevin: Look, Chad, I hope you find the man inside you and let him out. I can’t take this stuff from you or anyone else anymore. It’s over Chad.


Chad: Kevin, are you sure that’s wha…

Kevin: Yeah…Chad. I’m sure.

Saturday morning, Kevin’s apartment. Kevin’s lying in bed after a restless, sad night under the covers. We see his face, which says it all… the frozen in emotional pain, looking like the life has been sucked out of him. A tear starts to well up in his eye, and slowing moves down his face as he lays on his side. The music has started of “I’m Gonna Find Another You” by John Mayer


This excerpt just below is from a love letter written in the book, Soul on Ice, by Eldridge Cleaver to Beverly Axelrod a San Francisco lawyer while he was in Folsom Prison. I think it is beautifully expressed as to how and why it is difficult to put ourselves out there on the limb to really give and take love.

“…The reason two people are reluctant to really strip themselves naked in front of each other is because in doing so they make themselves vulnerable and give enormous power over themselves one to the other. How awful, how deadly, how catastrophically they can hurt each other, wreck and ruin each other forever!...Better to maintain shallow, superficial affairs; that way the scars are not too deep, no blood is hacked from the soul. You beautifully – O, how beautifully!! – spoke...of ‘What an awesome thing it is to feel oneself on the verge of the possibility of really knowing another person...’ and...I do not believe that a beautiful relationship has to always end in carnage. I do not believe that we have to be fraudulent and pretentious,...I know that sometimes people fake on each other out of genuine motives to hold onto the object of their tenderest feelings. They see themselves as so inadequate that they feel forced to wear a mask in order to continuously impress the other. I do not want to ‘hold you’, I want you to ‘stay’ out of your own need for me. ...It takes time and deeds, and this involves trust, it involves making ourselves vulnerable to each other, to strip ourselves naked, to become sitting ducks for each other...I am vulnerable and defenseless and I make myself a duck for you. ...And it is not a fraud, forced out of desperation...”
And from one of my own poems, titled
In Risking

Accept me as I am,
Don’t require me to be
Anything I’m not…
…I’d rather take the probable consequences
and possible discrimination,
if necessary, for me to be myself.
If I’d be any other way
for whatever reason
I would have to face a hypocrite
in my mind’s constant mirror.

There is no altenative,
I am me.
..My ideas are not borrowed.
They are j u s t mine,
fused conglomeration.

I try to love others for what they are
Not for what I can make them up to be.

My hope is that
you can accept me
as I, alone, am.
If you cannot, then words be silent
and we will part,
going our own separate ways.

For those of us who can meet
the beautiful of earth is ours
in infinity
We will stop no where.
All in us is open
and all is open to us.

We dare to step out
into this world of infinity
aware of the possible hurt
but knowing we must become so vulnerable.
We have no other way to go.

The arms of our souls are long,
The depth of our warmth
penetrates beyond physical imagination.
And we cling to each other,
in peaceful trembling.

Sandra Hammel


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At February 28, 2007 at 12:19:00 AM EST , Blogger Kong said...

I have *string* feelings for you? :P

Wow, soooo stringy that Chad :P


At February 28, 2007 at 1:30:00 AM EST , Blogger ilovemylife said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At February 28, 2007 at 1:40:00 AM EST , Blogger ilovemylife said...


I corrected that typo

it is now
"I have real strong feelings for you."

: )


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