Sunday, January 24, 2010


Heath. . .
You know one of the sweetest things I noticed about Heath and when he had a woman companion was that he loved to hold their hands. I just loved that.

The Four Feathers' Director, Shekhar Kapur

On January 22, Friday, I went to Shekhar Kapur's blog to see if he had posted anything this year about Heath. And at the time I was there, he hadn't yet, so I put my comment at last year's anniversary date of Heath's passing:

Two years ago this date we lost you to immortality. The hurt is no less today.

Tonight, I thought I would check back at his blog - at 3:55 a.m. - I know it's late, but I just did something that was...well, a difficult for me...I played keyboard and sang in front of a full house...only two songs, but still, it is probably the one thing in my life I have put off doing until very late in my life, because it frightens me so much, but I want to do it. I just get stage fright when singing. Most everyone else had other people on stage with them. That would have been so much easier than going solo. But yesterday and today, I tried to give myself focus with little thoughts to get me where I needed to be. Trying to have fun, even if I couldn't be perfect - was one of the many thoughts I wrote down on an index card.

And I thought of my Spirit Guide....I'll just leave that at that for now. And I thought of my dad and Heath. My dad and Heath are in their spirit states and hopefully have met each other there. My dad liked to hear me sing. That is what I did on the phone many miles away from him and when I finished singing the song, he took his last breath. My voice was the last thing he heard and I was singing one of his favorite hymns to him. I have written about this before in a few posts.

I couldn't mourn Heath on his two year anniversary too much, because I had this creative thing to focus on. And probably Heath would be okay with me opting to do a creative thing as opposed to sitting around moping. So I lit candles last night for me to get support in my efforts to sing, for Dad to listen tonight to me singing, for Heath, for my son and for the Darfuris.

Well, anyway, Shekhar did have this post up when I checked tonight. Here it is:

Heath Ledger, have two years passed?

January 22, 2010, 6:47 p.m.

It's 5.20 am and am struggling to sleep in my hotel room in San Hose. Jet lag ? No, something else is nagging me - and then it comes like a bolt, a sudden sharp, almost physical feeling of sadness. It Heath's 2nd Anniversary of his passing.

For those that know this blog, will know of my special relationship with Heath. Well, that survives time. Even through the sadness and heavy heart I sense him laughing and smiling almost looking down and saying "Get on with it, Mate !"

Lots of other things come to mind. What do two years mean ? What does passing of time mean ? How little or more have I achieved in the last two years. How productive have I been - and all this on context of Heath's passing as if time stopped there and started again ? Is what you have done, or what has happened, or the events that have taken place since the only measure of time ? Or is there something far more eternal about time ?

Tonight I am going to LA and having dinner with Orando Bloom. The last time we met was in Heath's friend's pad in Melbourne, where Heath was proudly showing a rough cut of Four Feathers to all his friends. So proud was he of his performance in a film that actually did very little at the box office.

So I am just going to look up at Heath's smiling face and say "Hey, Mate ! We are still down here trying undersatnd it all" Trying to imitate his broad Australian drawl.

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Click on the post's title to read another blog post of Shekhar's about Heath

Some of my other thoughts written down to focus for my performance:

Replace worrying about what might go wrong with thoughts:
Let it happen. Accept that it's a in-the-moment-thing. Can't control it. Muscle memory will kick in. Let the music in and and it will come out. Peace came with all this in last weekend's performance.

Why be afraid of them? They only want what you know is inside you, what you have to give. Your destiny is to be who you are. Not to withhold it..right? If not the "whole" - just a glimpse of it. Music - let it guide you; let the music use you; listen to each note, rhythm. You're going to make mistakes anyway, so make them while relaxed and having fun and breathing. SURRENDER. Relax, Spirit is with you. Help me with my destiny. If this is my calling, help me relax, have peace in the doing, in the being. Help me relax in the music.

And on the other side of the index card it this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you, not to be? You are a child of the Universe. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest that which is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Mostly by Marianne Williamson in Return to Love - I changed a little of the wording to better suit my beliefs

I found all the pictures at Photo Bucket

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At January 14, 2011 at 9:51:00 PM EST , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello I find it really sad that heath has passed on he was really one of a kind. He is someone to look up on and we all need to appreciate his talent. His death was an accident a mixture of different drugs dramatically brang him down. he is forever my favourite actor.


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