WHAT KEEPS ME FROM LIVING THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE

What do you want?

I wrote that question to myself on a scrap of paper and put it where I can see it.

I tend to put off the life I really want to live and work so hard at things that aren’t those things I have wanted to do my whole life. I’m thinking I’m not unusual. I bet a lot of people live their lives the same unfulfilling way. Well, it’s a life that’s “close to it all” that I want to be, do and feel. But it “just” misses.

Just when am I going to do what I dream of, yearn to do, have a passion for?

And why do I put it off?

The thing is I have done thing after thing that has been difficult, a challenge. What most people would not have the courage to do – I walk boldly right up to and right inside it, with purpose and well put-together plans. Everything I have done has turned out successfully.

So, what is the reason that I put off what I really want to do? Why do I do everything else on the list that I make and this stuff just “is” but never happens?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CbAjj80NIM

Arms Of An Angel Sung by Sarah McLachlan

I think I know. I think, a couple of reasons. Maybe. I mean who really knows anything? We can only think about it and guess why sometimes. I think first of all that I need to put it at the top of the list – project status “priority” and make a plan. Then I need to consciously decide that I am worth it. That I deserve to do what I want.

I had an internal voice instilled in me as I was being raised that keeps telling me that I don’t deserve to do what I want. That life is something to be endured. Or some kind of duty. Duty to someone else’s idea of what I am to do or how to live my life.

The voice is there. But I don’t believe that I am here to live my life according to someone else’s ideas or judgment.

So why not do what I want! Finally? I’m on the end of life that sees the end.

To be straightforward, I hate being old. I’m a young old. But, old.

I still love the same things that I loved when I was young. All of it. All. The music. The dance. Dancing. Acting. Theatre. The body, its form, its movement. Art. The beauty of the earth. The beauty that we so often miss. The beauty in our own beings. Creativity. And emotions. The dynamic, the colorful human beings that make me happy to be a part of the human race. Beautiful men. Beautiful women. Young men. Yeah, I know, that may sound wrong. But why? My emotions, my feelings haven’t gotten old…just my body has changed. Our youth never dies if we are lucky. And my youth is still alive. The youth of what is sexy, emotional, vibrant, passionate. Those things are so alive inside me.

I want to live the life that I have always wanted to live, but haven’t for one reason or another.

I hesitate to take this step… I am afraid. Why? I don’t know, does it matter why?

Starting NOW, I am going to take the steps every day to live the life I have wanted to live. The worst that can happen is that I have to stop because finances run so low that I have to stop living the life I was born to live and “live someone else’s life” again.

Every day I am going to do something on my list that “fills me up”. It may be late in my life to finally do this, but when life is over I will have lived it – all the way. Not just chipping away at time. But “living” it inside the passion.

I’ve had great experiences, in spite of my less-than-focused and less-than-consciously-acting-out my life. But NOW, this is a life on purpose, inside the passion that I have always loved about myself.

It feels like a brave step. But it also feels so right. And anything else is so wrong. Don’t you think?

It has been easier doing all the prior successful endeavors because it has been for someone else. This is for me.

I think instead of being self-absorbed and self-centered, it is the purpose of being alive in the universe. Throwing out to the universe our best innate gifts would be the answer to the call of life. I’m being called to being fully alive.

The very first thing I ever wrote on this blog was a short quote by Goethe:

“Whatever you can do

or dream,

you can

BEGIN IT.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

Cool, huh?

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YuPPK_D0hs

Close to It All sung by Mabel81 from the Britain
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZHrbjhwKik

In The Arms Of The Angel sung by Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban

Lyrics

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

Murano, Italy, November 2005

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